My father had anger outbursts and my mother was avoidant and gave the silent treatment, regularly.
I had very few memories and dissociated a majority of my adult life. Here's why:
I had very few memories and dissociated a majority of my adult life. Here's why:
I spent a majority of my adult life dissociated.
I called it my space ship. I would be physically present, but mentally I was gone. I rarely showed emotion. I always appeared calm on the outside.
Internally, I was an anxious mess.
I called it my space ship. I would be physically present, but mentally I was gone. I rarely showed emotion. I always appeared calm on the outside.
Internally, I was an anxious mess.
I believed I had a good childhood, and in many ways I did. My parents loved me. They supported me in the ways they knew how.
But they also deeply struggled to regulate their emotions.
But they also deeply struggled to regulate their emotions.
Small things would set my dad off.
He would yell, stomp off, and become highly reactive
Little things like something being out of place or an appointment being missed would spiral quickly.
He would yell, stomp off, and become highly reactive
Little things like something being out of place or an appointment being missed would spiral quickly.
My mom was emotionally shut down. When she was angry, she would stop speaking to us for days, sometimes weeks, and if she was really mad: months.
Without adults who could self regulate, the home would become wrapped in the emotional chaos, regularly.
Both of my parents experienced generational trauma (poverty, abuse, neglect) so self regulation was not something they were modeled.
Both of my parents experienced generational trauma (poverty, abuse, neglect) so self regulation was not something they were modeled.
Children cannot regulate alone.
Self regulation is learned through having attuned parents. It's through the help of predictable, safe, attuned parents that we learn how to regulate our emotions, eventually on our own.
Self regulation is learned through having attuned parents. It's through the help of predictable, safe, attuned parents that we learn how to regulate our emotions, eventually on our own.
My home environment was scary and unsafe for a child.
Anger and explosions took place regularly. And, my mom would remove her love and go into the silent treatment when she was upset.
Too overwhelmed to cope, my mind and body started dissociating.
Anger and explosions took place regularly. And, my mom would remove her love and go into the silent treatment when she was upset.
Too overwhelmed to cope, my mind and body started dissociating.
Dissociation is protection.
It allows us to survive dangerous or threatening situations. Any situation that overwhelms the nervous system can create a dissociation response.
It allows us to survive dangerous or threatening situations. Any situation that overwhelms the nervous system can create a dissociation response.
Friends would say: "do you remember x?: and I couldn't.
People would tell childhood stories and I would think: why don't I remember anything?
My partner would sometimes say: "hey, are you there?" I'd be staring with a blank face and a monotone voice.
People would tell childhood stories and I would think: why don't I remember anything?
My partner would sometimes say: "hey, are you there?" I'd be staring with a blank face and a monotone voice.
Here's a study around dissociation and memory dysfunction:
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
Family would say: "nothing upsets Nicole. You take everything so well."
In reality, I was just shutdown and numb.
In reality, I was just shutdown and numb.
The past several years, I've been slowly healing.
Mostly through movement, breath work, and journaling. This helps me return to my body. When I'm glazing over, or going into my "spaceship mode"
I'm more aware of it. And more capable of grounding myself.
Mostly through movement, breath work, and journaling. This helps me return to my body. When I'm glazing over, or going into my "spaceship mode"
I'm more aware of it. And more capable of grounding myself.
Dissociation is a very common trauma response, that many people don't understand or talk about. It's something that has us feeling disconnected and shut down from life.
We can heal and become more present with practice and self compassion.
We can heal and become more present with practice and self compassion.
If you have patterns of dissociation, share in the comments. It's nice to know you're not alone.
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@Theholisticpsyc
I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
Join the waitlist for @selfhealerscirc theholisticpsychologist.com
My new workbook:
howtomeetyourself.com
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