16 Tweets 37 reads Jun 03, 2023
Gary Neville is a bloody intense bloke.
He bollocks innocent school boys, yells at potatoes, and humiliates his own brother in front of millions of fans.
Don't tell him we wrote this, but here's the story of Sky Sports' grumpy old man...
Our story begins in the bungalows of Bury, where Gary relentlessly batters his little brother Phil at table tennis.
They join Man Utd, and Gary rooms with cheeky cockney David Beckham.
David decks their room with scented candles, but Gary enrages him with 5am alarm clocks.
When Rio Ferdinand joins the club, Gary falls victim to his famous prank show.
A stony-faced Neville is pulled in for speeding by actors dressed as cops.
They try and bribe him for photos before a cackling Rio emerges to tell Neville "You got merk'd".
To be fair, it's never easy to get a smile out of Gary.
When ex-United keeper Peter Schmeichel lines up against him for Man City, Neville refuses to shake his hand and sends a death stare into the middle distance.
It's nothing personal though.
He does the same thing to his own brother...
In 2006, Gary's called up to England's squad for the World Cup.
His proud dad, the imaginatively named Neville Neville, heads to Baden Baden.
On a drunken night out with the WAGs, Neville climbs on a chair in a nightclub and delivers a belting rendition of God Save the Queen.
After retiring, Gary is bizarrely appointed manager of Valencia, despite having no managerial experience and not speaking a word of Spanish.
Surprisingly, it doesn't go to plan...
Furious fans surround the team bus showing him the middle finger, and he's sacked after 3 months.
Smarting from his disastrous spell in Spain, Gary slips on his best suit for a seat on the Sky Sports sofa.
But his first appearance on Monday Night Football is a nightmare.
A painfully awkward Gary shuffles about, giggling nervously while he tries to interview Roberto Mancini.
As a pundit, Gary soon becomes known for his raging rants.
In 2018, he angrily demands a rule change so managers can't be sacked during their first year in charge.
2 years later - as CEO of Salford City - he sacks his rookie manager a week after winning the EFL Trophy...
And Neville's trademark eloquence deserts him when some schoolboys prank call him.
Apparently they got his number from Tony Adams' son...
"Right, who the fuck have you got my number off, eh?", he snaps, telling the lad to "Shut up ya fuckin dick."
Gary's run in with the pranksters seems to have a lasting effect, and he gets a reputation for his flaring temper...
When asked about roast dinners by a Sky Sports presenter, he goes on a furious diatribe against potatoes.
And he doesn't mince his words about Cristiano Ronaldo when the Portuguese striker returns to Old Trafford.
So Cristiano responds like any mature individual would.
He trots round shaking hands with all the Sky Sports pundits, before blanking Gary entirely.
But Neville does make some new friends on the pundits sofa.
He strikes up an unlikely bromance with his one-time hated rival, ex-Liverpool man Jamie Carragher.
But he stitches Jamie up when he reveals his wife's Christmas present during a live stream.
With a blossoming TV career, and big political ideas, Gary's invited to host satire show Have I Got News For You.
But team captain Ian Hislop turns up the heat, grilling Gary on his work for Qatar.
"Is it coming home?" Gary asks.
"What, your reputation?" Ian replies.
After decades of hotheaded antics, Gary strikes you as a bloke who could use some time off.
Fortunately, Gary has finally discovered the concept of a holiday.
Or as he calls them, "mini-retirements"...
If you enjoyed this, you'll love the story of Frank Lampard and John Terry's infamous 12 hour bender.
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