Building Great Sex From a Dead Bedroom
In six (not so) easy steps!
We’ve seen the memes and the viral posts. Men will talk about their wives just having no desire for them any more. Sometimes they resent her, and sometimes they blame themselves, but they almost always feel hopeless. What happened to those sparks on the honeymoon?
The X platform is full of advice, most of it bad.
The angry manosphere says, “just leave her bro.”
Christian fundies say, “the Bible says she should always have sex with you, so just tell her she’s sinning.”
Women everywhere say, “emotional needs” or “be nicer and do the dishes.”
Psychological experts say, “communicate better.”
Few people say anything useful.
This was me. After quitting a 25 year porn addiction, I came to terms with just how bad my sex life was. The cold hard truth? No one was going to fix this for me. And what I discovered, with bits and pieces from dozens of influences, was a clear path to a powerful sexual posture as a husband. This changed my life, and hers.
Since then, I’ve coached other men to do the same and have seen some amazing stories.
Here’s what worked for me, and worked for them:
In six (not so) easy steps!
We’ve seen the memes and the viral posts. Men will talk about their wives just having no desire for them any more. Sometimes they resent her, and sometimes they blame themselves, but they almost always feel hopeless. What happened to those sparks on the honeymoon?
The X platform is full of advice, most of it bad.
The angry manosphere says, “just leave her bro.”
Christian fundies say, “the Bible says she should always have sex with you, so just tell her she’s sinning.”
Women everywhere say, “emotional needs” or “be nicer and do the dishes.”
Psychological experts say, “communicate better.”
Few people say anything useful.
This was me. After quitting a 25 year porn addiction, I came to terms with just how bad my sex life was. The cold hard truth? No one was going to fix this for me. And what I discovered, with bits and pieces from dozens of influences, was a clear path to a powerful sexual posture as a husband. This changed my life, and hers.
Since then, I’ve coached other men to do the same and have seen some amazing stories.
Here’s what worked for me, and worked for them:
1. Realize the buck stops with you
I get it: we men get tired of being blamed for everything and told to “man up.” What about her? But actually, the last place you want this ball is in her court. If it’s your “fault,” that means you have the power to change your situation. You just need the right tools.
As Athol Kay puts it, “you can’t make it if she fakes it.” You’re not wanting boring duty sex, but genuine desire from her. She can’t force herself to want it. But you can force yourself to become a better man: one that pushes all those buttons in her. So you can fake it ‘til you make it, and then she won’t have to fake it. She’ll want you again.
Here’s the deal: female sexuality is designed to respond to male sexuality. Nine times out of ten, even though it doesn’t seem like it, she’s actually mirroring the way you’ve approached her. The man in a relationship has a surprising amount of impact. So bite the bullet of responsibility, and take your rightful place as the one who can move the needle!
I get it: we men get tired of being blamed for everything and told to “man up.” What about her? But actually, the last place you want this ball is in her court. If it’s your “fault,” that means you have the power to change your situation. You just need the right tools.
As Athol Kay puts it, “you can’t make it if she fakes it.” You’re not wanting boring duty sex, but genuine desire from her. She can’t force herself to want it. But you can force yourself to become a better man: one that pushes all those buttons in her. So you can fake it ‘til you make it, and then she won’t have to fake it. She’ll want you again.
Here’s the deal: female sexuality is designed to respond to male sexuality. Nine times out of ten, even though it doesn’t seem like it, she’s actually mirroring the way you’ve approached her. The man in a relationship has a surprising amount of impact. So bite the bullet of responsibility, and take your rightful place as the one who can move the needle!
2. Level up in areas women find sexy about men
We may think women seem emotional and arbitrary, but there’s solid reasons why they are attracted to masculinity in us. If you want your wife to open up to you sexually, start by maximizing the traits she’ll find sexy. And it isn’t being a doting butler or an adoring pushover!
• Are you strong and fit, like someone who can protect the ones he loves?
• Do you have courage and initiative, like someone who can successfully take risks?
• Can you exercise both passion and control, willing to emote without making a mess for others to clean up?
• Will you show generous leadership that other men are willing to follow and trust?
Don’t know where to start? Fitness is a great first step. Hit the gym, or join a grassroots workout movement like @dreddcnc started with @f3nation.
We may think women seem emotional and arbitrary, but there’s solid reasons why they are attracted to masculinity in us. If you want your wife to open up to you sexually, start by maximizing the traits she’ll find sexy. And it isn’t being a doting butler or an adoring pushover!
• Are you strong and fit, like someone who can protect the ones he loves?
• Do you have courage and initiative, like someone who can successfully take risks?
• Can you exercise both passion and control, willing to emote without making a mess for others to clean up?
• Will you show generous leadership that other men are willing to follow and trust?
Don’t know where to start? Fitness is a great first step. Hit the gym, or join a grassroots workout movement like @dreddcnc started with @f3nation.
3. Use family leadership to lay the foundation
Wait, isn’t it toxic and patriarchal for men to lead? Aren’t western women all feminists these days? There’s a pretty big exception: most women need a confident male approach coaxing them toward arousal. She’ll be expecting you to lead the sexual dance, making her feel relaxed and safe.
The problem is that women can’t accept leadership inside the bedroom that isn’t congruent with the way you show up outside the bedroom. That feels “creepy” and gives them “the ick.” So learn to make decisions. If she asks you whether you want “chicken” or “fish” for dinner, don’t respond with an unsexy “it doesn’t matter.” Make a call!
Learn to see everything in the home as under your jurisdiction. If the dishes are dirty and she’s tired and frazzled, jump in and do it, not as a dutiful hireling, but as a captain who would accept nothing less than clean dishes and a well-rested wife on his ship. Make her breathe a sigh of relief when you walk in the door, and she’ll be eager to have you…inside.
Wait, isn’t it toxic and patriarchal for men to lead? Aren’t western women all feminists these days? There’s a pretty big exception: most women need a confident male approach coaxing them toward arousal. She’ll be expecting you to lead the sexual dance, making her feel relaxed and safe.
The problem is that women can’t accept leadership inside the bedroom that isn’t congruent with the way you show up outside the bedroom. That feels “creepy” and gives them “the ick.” So learn to make decisions. If she asks you whether you want “chicken” or “fish” for dinner, don’t respond with an unsexy “it doesn’t matter.” Make a call!
Learn to see everything in the home as under your jurisdiction. If the dishes are dirty and she’s tired and frazzled, jump in and do it, not as a dutiful hireling, but as a captain who would accept nothing less than clean dishes and a well-rested wife on his ship. Make her breathe a sigh of relief when you walk in the door, and she’ll be eager to have you…inside.
4. Unlock the hidden desire in her responsive sexuality
Even if you are really attractive, a woman’s sex drive has to contend with forces inside herself to unlock desire. Women need a back and forth, push and pull coaxing to get them excited. So make a move, kiss her decisively, and then pull back and go your way. That gives her body a chance to start revving up her sexual engine.
Her body agenda also knows that sex means pregnancy, which has huge consequences and dangers. If she doesn’t feel healthy, her body won’t release desire. If she’s stressed, her body will not want to introduce additional danger. Do your best to see that she’s able to flourish physically and emotionally, and she’ll be able to open up to you.
While women may be attracted to ravishing strength, they won’t want to feel forced in a direction they see as harmful. When she pushes back, or says “no,” it’s crucial that you show her that you’re totally OK. If you prove that she is free to choose without you sulking, her guard will come down. Sometimes that lack of neediness is sexy enough that five minutes later her “no” will become a “yes.”
Bottom line? Learn how she’s wired so that you can leverage her body agenda to work with you and not against you.
Even if you are really attractive, a woman’s sex drive has to contend with forces inside herself to unlock desire. Women need a back and forth, push and pull coaxing to get them excited. So make a move, kiss her decisively, and then pull back and go your way. That gives her body a chance to start revving up her sexual engine.
Her body agenda also knows that sex means pregnancy, which has huge consequences and dangers. If she doesn’t feel healthy, her body won’t release desire. If she’s stressed, her body will not want to introduce additional danger. Do your best to see that she’s able to flourish physically and emotionally, and she’ll be able to open up to you.
While women may be attracted to ravishing strength, they won’t want to feel forced in a direction they see as harmful. When she pushes back, or says “no,” it’s crucial that you show her that you’re totally OK. If you prove that she is free to choose without you sulking, her guard will come down. Sometimes that lack of neediness is sexy enough that five minutes later her “no” will become a “yes.”
Bottom line? Learn how she’s wired so that you can leverage her body agenda to work with you and not against you.
5. Transform your sexual neediness into sexual power
Outcome independence is the holy grail when approaching a woman, but there’s only so much of this confidence you can fake. Dealing with your own sexual neediness internally will transform it into sexual power.
No getting around it: you need to come to terms with your own feelings of sexual lack and longing, and learn to leverage that power in ways that serve you. Your wife’s not in the mood and you’re crazy horny? Channel that fire into reorganizing the garage, doing a killer workout, or taking on a project you are passionate about. That not only takes the edge off for you, she’ll also likely notice and become more attracted herself.
But the bigger picture is building a life and mission that you can pursue with the same energy you want in sex. What are you hoping to feel when she’s in your arms? Peace, freedom, mastery, ecstasy, strength, and belonging? Go at life with that same energy! If you bring those feelings to your life outside sex, it’ll have a gravitational pull on your sex life.
Outcome independence is the holy grail when approaching a woman, but there’s only so much of this confidence you can fake. Dealing with your own sexual neediness internally will transform it into sexual power.
No getting around it: you need to come to terms with your own feelings of sexual lack and longing, and learn to leverage that power in ways that serve you. Your wife’s not in the mood and you’re crazy horny? Channel that fire into reorganizing the garage, doing a killer workout, or taking on a project you are passionate about. That not only takes the edge off for you, she’ll also likely notice and become more attracted herself.
But the bigger picture is building a life and mission that you can pursue with the same energy you want in sex. What are you hoping to feel when she’s in your arms? Peace, freedom, mastery, ecstasy, strength, and belonging? Go at life with that same energy! If you bring those feelings to your life outside sex, it’ll have a gravitational pull on your sex life.
6. Navigate through the storm of her wounds
Even if you do everything right on your end, it can take time for her to adapt and heal. The same powerful mindset you built around sex will also serve you through the longer term storms of her wounds, toward a life of abundance.
Many wives will be guarded when their husbands make a change, or even resist. It’s hard for her to get her hopes up when they’ve been dashed. You’ll likely face some “shit testing” while she makes sure that this is the real deal. And even then, she may need to express anger for all the years she’s lost.
Will she ever come around? Life is a betting man’s game. No guarantees, but the odds are well in your favor. Falling in love with you again is her straightest path to happiness. The incentives are on your side. And if she does leave, the work you’ve done will put you in the best possible position to start over.
Steady as she goes. The skills you acquired in the first five steps should serve you well here. It’s not about outcomes. It’s not about quick fixes. It’s about you admiring yourself as a man, regardless of the speed at which she adapts.
Even if you do everything right on your end, it can take time for her to adapt and heal. The same powerful mindset you built around sex will also serve you through the longer term storms of her wounds, toward a life of abundance.
Many wives will be guarded when their husbands make a change, or even resist. It’s hard for her to get her hopes up when they’ve been dashed. You’ll likely face some “shit testing” while she makes sure that this is the real deal. And even then, she may need to express anger for all the years she’s lost.
Will she ever come around? Life is a betting man’s game. No guarantees, but the odds are well in your favor. Falling in love with you again is her straightest path to happiness. The incentives are on your side. And if she does leave, the work you’ve done will put you in the best possible position to start over.
Steady as she goes. The skills you acquired in the first five steps should serve you well here. It’s not about outcomes. It’s not about quick fixes. It’s about you admiring yourself as a man, regardless of the speed at which she adapts.
(If this is a problem in your marriage, chances are you've never talked about it. You're suffering alone like I was. That sucks. Feel free to hit me up in the DMs. I lead cohorts of men in an online course, and I'm happy to connect you with that, or with other resources.)
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