Life comes at you fast. I remember when we were still kids, the commitments we made. I said I'd marry a white woman, & end up in America. It was logical then - so palpable. You promised to play soccer in Europe and I believed you. You were that good. It was not hard to imagine it
But one day, papa woke you up at 4:00 am. You were only a child in your teens: Form 1, in a boarding school. You said goodbye, & promised to come back. A short while later, I too would go to boarding school. I'd see you once a year. You became a stranger.
You still played soccer - had gotten better over the years. You had a fleet of girlfriends occupying your days. I tried to play with you but you preferred their company. Your interests were no longer mine & I stopped talking to you. I didn't know what to say. You felt foreign.
I remember that time the white men came. They wanted to bring you abroad. "To join a soccer academy in the Netherlands," they said. But papa was so afraid because you were not done with school. He sent them away, and with them your dream. You were devastated. You were distraught.
You felt betrayed. This linear education was not what you sought. But we were all so afraid because it was all we'd known. We supported papa - we deferred your dream. You'd go on with school, but it was never the same. Your heels lost their spring. You floated in the wind.
The demands of campus would have me see less of you. Then I heard you were working somewhere. I called to congratulate you, but it felt so tasteless - like a paper in the mouth. And you sounded so beaten - like a cat in the rain. I couldn't hang up fast enough. You smacked doom.
Covid-19 came & work ended. I heard you had turned to drink. And you'd found a woman...a girl. Barely in her 20s. Little brother visited you. He said you'd fight with her. You'd bruise each other. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I pretended I'd not heard.
I found out you had a kid today. It was on social media. He has your eyes & jaws. I was stupefied for a moment. It was what I had feared. The end of your dreams. The acceptance of fate. I had hoped you'd fight a little longer. But I understand, age had caught up with you.
I wonder why it made me uncomfortable, that you'd make a family of your own. Perhaps, it reminded me of my fears. That I might never make it. That I, too, are living a dream I'd have to wake up from one day. That I might have to accept this. That I might die an unknown.
They'll say, "he could have been the greatest". But it won't count then, will it? Because what's a dream deferred but death? You have liquor to tone the pain, what do I have? Time is flying, & I never was as strong. I wish you'd made it, brother. Maybe, I wouldn't be so afraid.
Life comes at you fast. It was only yesterday we played in the sand. Only yesterday we believed. I didn't want it to end like this. We were destined for greatness. I'm sorry life won. I'm still fighting, I'm still clinging on. But I'm so afraid, brother. I feel so afraid & alone!
I carry guilt with me. That is why I do not call as much. I could have done much more, brother. I should have been there. But I was chasing mine own dream & I abandoned you to life. I was going to come back after I'd made it out. I was going to come back for you. I promise!
Say hello to your son, he should have better. I will be gone for some time, I must fetch my destiny. I have lost much in the quest for this dream - lovers, friends & weight. I walk with a heavy heart & dire secrets. I must abandon you once more, brother. I refuse to die this way!
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