What children need, and why it's important for you as a Muslim.
a [THREAD]
a [THREAD]
Children need attachment.
When babies have emotional attunement (i.e. the mother and infants emotions are in sync), they feel met and understood. This in turn has a massive impact on rest of their life.
This attachment starts from even before birth.
When babies have emotional attunement (i.e. the mother and infants emotions are in sync), they feel met and understood. This in turn has a massive impact on rest of their life.
This attachment starts from even before birth.
When the fetus is in the womb, not only do the biological conditions of the mother impact it, but so do the emotional conditions.
Babies are even engineered to evoke a sense of protectiveness from their caregiver in order to ensure attachment.
cell.com
Babies are even engineered to evoke a sense of protectiveness from their caregiver in order to ensure attachment.
cell.com
When a child is "securely attached" to their parent, which means that both physical AND emotional needs are catered for, they will in fact have more agency in life, and are more likely to be outgoing and confident.
On the other hand, when a child lacks this attachment - in particular emotional - this has major impacts on their mental health.
For children who go through trauma, they learn that crying and pleading doesn't register with their caregiver, & doesn't lessen their pain/discomfort.
For children who go through trauma, they learn that crying and pleading doesn't register with their caregiver, & doesn't lessen their pain/discomfort.
This effectively conditions the child to be defeated and submissive for the rest of their lives.
Emotional abandonment of children affects them much more greatly than people realise, all the way to adulthood. They struggle to form relationships or achieve goals.
Emotional abandonment of children affects them much more greatly than people realise, all the way to adulthood. They struggle to form relationships or achieve goals.
Children not only consistently require attention, but also someone to trust, to find protection and comfort from.
If they do not get attention, they become withdrawn and find it harder to express themselves, often becoming isolated from others due to outbursts they have.
If they do not get attention, they become withdrawn and find it harder to express themselves, often becoming isolated from others due to outbursts they have.
Van der Kolk writes:
"When children feel pervasively angry or guilty or are chronically frightened about being abandoned, they have come by such feelings honestly; that is because of experience. When, for example, children fear abandonment, it is not in counterreaction to...
"When children feel pervasively angry or guilty or are chronically frightened about being abandoned, they have come by such feelings honestly; that is because of experience. When, for example, children fear abandonment, it is not in counterreaction to...
...their intrinsic homicidal urges; rather, it is more likely because they have been abandoned physically or psychologically, or have been repeatedly threatened with abandonment."
"When children are per vasively filled with rage, it is due to rejection or harsh treatment.
"When children are per vasively filled with rage, it is due to rejection or harsh treatment.
"When children experience intense inner conflict regarding their angry feelings, this is likely because expressing them may be forbidden or even dangerous."
A child who hears parents arguing, or is consistently threatened with abandonment, will always live in fear of being alone, and will always feel guilty or angry.
Their parents become monoliths of darkness in their mind, and they always live in fear, as if they never grew up.
Their parents become monoliths of darkness in their mind, and they always live in fear, as if they never grew up.
Now you're probably wondering, reading this; what does this have to do with me as a Muslim?
Unfortunately, the bitter reality is; many of our cultures are not merciful to our children.
Unfortunately, the bitter reality is; many of our cultures are not merciful to our children.
Whether it's harsh parenting, beatings and punishments at madrassas, or just indifference towards their child, these stories are familiar within the community.
It doesn't have to be extreme to have a major impact upon a child's life.
It doesn't have to be extreme to have a major impact upon a child's life.
Contrast then with the example of the Prophet (saw), who came with the best of manners and best of characteristics, in how he dealt with children.
He (saw) said: "He is not one of us who does not show mercy towards youngsters."
He (saw) said: "He is not one of us who does not show mercy towards youngsters."
Many of our elders unfortunately saw that the only way to discipline children was through harshness, through hitting.
Paired with preventing children from expressing their emotions, it's a poisonous combination in a child that affects them for the rest of their lives.
Paired with preventing children from expressing their emotions, it's a poisonous combination in a child that affects them for the rest of their lives.
That child will never realise that this beating, this harshness, was unjust, rather believing they deserved it for being a "bad child".
That repressed anger will stay there, but often explodes. Resulting in harm usually to the person's spouse or children.
That repressed anger will stay there, but often explodes. Resulting in harm usually to the person's spouse or children.
Even to threaten a child or lie to them is haraam.
'Abdullaah ibn 'Aamir (ra) said:
"My mother called me one day when the Messenger of Allah (saw) was sitting in our house. She said: 'Come here and I shall give you something.
'Abdullaah ibn 'Aamir (ra) said:
"My mother called me one day when the Messenger of Allah (saw) was sitting in our house. She said: 'Come here and I shall give you something.
The Messenger of Allaah (saw) asked her:
'What did you intend to give him?'
She replied: "To give him some dates.
Thereupon the Messenger of Allaah (saw) said: 'If you were not to give him anything, a lie would have been recorded against you."
'What did you intend to give him?'
She replied: "To give him some dates.
Thereupon the Messenger of Allaah (saw) said: 'If you were not to give him anything, a lie would have been recorded against you."
Al-'Atheem Abaadi (ra) said:
"From this hadith we learn that what some people say to children, for example when they are crying, by promising them something or frightening them, is haraam and enters the category of lying."
"From this hadith we learn that what some people say to children, for example when they are crying, by promising them something or frightening them, is haraam and enters the category of lying."
The Prophet (saw) would not hit or harm any child. Rather, he would give them the attention they needed and leave an impact upon their lives for decades after He (saw) had passed away.
Once a drink was brought to the Prophet (saw) while a boy was sitting on his right side...
Once a drink was brought to the Prophet (saw) while a boy was sitting on his right side...
...and elder men were sitting on his left side.
He (saw) drank and asked the boy:
"Will you allow me to give it to these [elder people]?"
The boy said: "No, by Allah, I will not give up my right to drink (directly) after you."
He (saw) drank and asked the boy:
"Will you allow me to give it to these [elder people]?"
The boy said: "No, by Allah, I will not give up my right to drink (directly) after you."
Thus the Prophet (saw) smiled, and gave the boy the bowl to drink from.
Compare this with the harshness and almost disdain we show towards children, pushing them out of the front rows of the masaajid and prioritising ourselves.
Compare this with the harshness and almost disdain we show towards children, pushing them out of the front rows of the masaajid and prioritising ourselves.
What then can we expect for the future generations?
May Allah (swt) allow us to be parents for our children who provide for their needs, emotional and physical, and forgive us, our parents and elders for our mistakes.
Ameen.
Ameen.
This thread was sourced from the following books:
"The Body Keeps The Score" by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk
"Interactions of the Greatest Leader" by Shaykh Muhammad Salih al Munajjid (may Allah release him)
"The Body Keeps The Score" by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk
"Interactions of the Greatest Leader" by Shaykh Muhammad Salih al Munajjid (may Allah release him)
note, the first book contains several disturbing case studies due to the nature of the subject.
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