I don't know when "women are the gatekeepers of sex" was first coined. I suspect it is older than the manosphere since it describes a well-observed tendency for women to be more selective in sexual partners.
Recently though, I see "men are the gatekeepers of relationships."
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Recently though, I see "men are the gatekeepers of relationships."
🧵
A couple of data points on this, although from 2014. Men value and desire relationships about as much as women:
psychologytoday.com
psychologytoday.com
The idea that men value relationships less than women predates the framing of "men are the gatekeepers of relationships."
This seems to imply that women are seeking commitment from men similar to the way that men seek sex from women. Almost certainly not the case.
This seems to imply that women are seeking commitment from men similar to the way that men seek sex from women. Almost certainly not the case.
Clark & Hatfield conducted a classic study where men and women approached random strangers on campus and propositioned them for sex.
Walking up and asking: "would you go to bed with me tonight."
Most men accepted, but all of the women refused.
Walking up and asking: "would you go to bed with me tonight."
Most men accepted, but all of the women refused.
(Here is a recent video covering a replication of Clark & Hatfield for a more detailed look on this:)
youtu.be
youtu.be
The large majority of sex also takes place in relationships:
This indicates that sex and commitment are closely linked. For a man to pursue sex is, in most cases, to pursue a relationship as well.
The entire courtship process places a man pursuing a relationship before sex.
The entire courtship process places a man pursuing a relationship before sex.
Even on dating apps, which are commonly believed to be for hook-ups, hook-ups are not the most common motive.
mdpi.com
mdpi.com
Many of our major romantic traditions would also indicate that women are both gatekeepers of sex and of relationships. The convention that the man ask a woman out, pick a date and propose to her for marriage are all examples.
Men tend to pursue. Women select.
Men tend to pursue. Women select.
"Women are the gatekeepers of sex" is another way of framing the observation that women are much more selective than men when choosing sexual partners. As mentioned and illustrated in Clark & Hatfield above.
Are men thus more selective than women for relationships?
Are men thus more selective than women for relationships?
A few data points would indicate no. Women, for example, are much more likely to be single by choice than men.
62% of women vs 37% of men were single by choice in this 2019 dataset:
pewresearch.org
62% of women vs 37% of men were single by choice in this 2019 dataset:
pewresearch.org
That more women are single by choice would indicate that more women prefer to be alone then they would prefer to be in a relationship with a partner they don't desire.
That women are more likely to initiate a divorce would also indicate men are being denied the choice of a relationship (a relationship they want to continue, too) more frequently than women are.
And there may be unique reasons why even if women were ancestrally more likely to seek commitment than men, this is no longer the case. An evolutionary mismatch. Women no longer need men for resources the way they once did.
psychologytoday.com
psychologytoday.com
I interpret "men are the gatekeepers of relationships" as a cope. A story some men tell themselves alongside the narrative that there is a pool of spinster cat ladies who would love to date them.
But this just isn't true for most single men. The bulk will just be the male counterpart of whatever the spinster cat lady is.
Very few men have a pool of spinsters competing for their commitment, as women might have with men seeking sex.
Very few men have a pool of spinsters competing for their commitment, as women might have with men seeking sex.
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