How your childhood affects your love style
Our childhood affects us in more ways than we think.
How we react to things. Our self-beliefs. How we express ourselves are all formed as early as we can make sense of our environment.
Based on our upbringing, we have various love styles. Here are five of them:
How we react to things. Our self-beliefs. How we express ourselves are all formed as early as we can make sense of our environment.
Based on our upbringing, we have various love styles. Here are five of them:
The Pleaser
These ones grew up around critical and over protective parents.
They grow up trying to be good and on their best behavior to not provoke their parents.
They never receive comfort but always try to comfort the reactive parent.
These ones grew up around critical and over protective parents.
They grow up trying to be good and on their best behavior to not provoke their parents.
They never receive comfort but always try to comfort the reactive parent.
Pleasers can't handle conflict and may be dishonest, just to avoid confrontation
Once pleasers feel like they're letting their partners down, they have a breakdown and flee from the relationship
They spread themselves thin trying to please everyone - even when it's unrealistic.
Once pleasers feel like they're letting their partners down, they have a breakdown and flee from the relationship
They spread themselves thin trying to please everyone - even when it's unrealistic.
For pleasers to build a healthy relationship, they have to be honest about their feelings.
And create boundaries. Rather than doing what everyone expects.
And create boundaries. Rather than doing what everyone expects.
The Victim
The victims grow up in a chaotic home.
They are compliant by doing everything possible to take away attention from themselves.
They build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the danger they grew up in.
The victims grow up in a chaotic home.
They are compliant by doing everything possible to take away attention from themselves.
They build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the danger they grew up in.
Victims have low self esteem. And usually struggle with anxiety and depression.
They end up with controlling people who mirror their parents' behavior.
They're so used to chaos that when they experience a peaceful relationship, the calmness makes them uneasy.
They end up with controlling people who mirror their parents' behavior.
They're so used to chaos that when they experience a peaceful relationship, the calmness makes them uneasy.
To enjoy a healthy relationship, victims need to learn to love themselves and to stand up for themselves instead of letting people walk over them.
The Controller
They grew up in a home with no protection, so they had to stand up for themselves.
And they try to feel in control always to make up for the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from being exposed.
They grew up in a home with no protection, so they had to stand up for themselves.
And they try to feel in control always to make up for the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from being exposed.
Controllers believe they're in control when they can avoid negative feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness.
Controllers use anger as a means to remain in power.
They don't easily leave their comfort zone as it makes them weak and unprotected (as it was in childhood)
Controllers use anger as a means to remain in power.
They don't easily leave their comfort zone as it makes them weak and unprotected (as it was in childhood)
They prefer to solve problems on their own. Like to get things done in a certain manner.
And if things don't follow this pattern, they get angry.
Controllers can form stable relationships by letting go. Trusting others. And controlling their anger.
And if things don't follow this pattern, they get angry.
Controllers can form stable relationships by letting go. Trusting others. And controlling their anger.
The Vacillator
They grow up with unpredictable parents. And learned that their needs are not their parent's top priority.
They developed a fear of abandonment because they had no consistent affection from their parents.
They grow up with unpredictable parents. And learned that their needs are not their parent's top priority.
They developed a fear of abandonment because they had no consistent affection from their parents.
And when the parents are ready to give the vacillators affection, they're too angry to receive it.
In adulthood, they try to find a deep love they missed as children.
They idealize new relationships and once they feel let down, they grow doubtful.
In adulthood, they try to find a deep love they missed as children.
They idealize new relationships and once they feel let down, they grow doubtful.
They feel more emotional stress because of their sensitivity. And can easily detect when people start to pull away.
To enjoy a healthy relationship, they need to learn to know people before committing, so they don't get hurt when their expectations are not met.
To enjoy a healthy relationship, they need to learn to know people before committing, so they don't get hurt when their expectations are not met.
The Avoider.
They grow up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance.
They learn to take care of themselves early.
And put their feelings on hold to deal with their anxieties of having no comfort from their parents.
They grow up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance.
They learn to take care of themselves early.
And put their feelings on hold to deal with their anxieties of having no comfort from their parents.
Avoiders like their space. And are more logical than emotional.
They're uncomfortable when people around them experience mood swings.
To cultivate healthy relationships as an avoider, they need to open up and honestly express their opinions.
They're uncomfortable when people around them experience mood swings.
To cultivate healthy relationships as an avoider, they need to open up and honestly express their opinions.
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