I’m going to talk about therapy.
The world needs more high-profile people to talk about it, help normalize it, explain why it’s good, and remove the stigma surrounding it. I have what, like 70k followers? That’s enough to start getting the message out there.
The world needs more high-profile people to talk about it, help normalize it, explain why it’s good, and remove the stigma surrounding it. I have what, like 70k followers? That’s enough to start getting the message out there.
Plus, if you’re like, “Okay, I’ll try it… where do I start?” hopefully this thread will demystify some of it for you and help you get started.
First, I’m probably going to say a bunch of politically incorrect things, or even things a lot of people might find offensive or exclusionary, or totally at odds with their own mental health experiences.
Please do not flame me. Instead, if your opinions or experiences are different, just quote-tweet it and say, “my experiences have been different, here is what I’ve seen myself…”
Mental health is very individualized and I can only offer guidance through broad strokes, so if your experience is different, just add it to the overall conversation. We don’t need to fight about who’s “correct” because we probably both are (to some degree).
Collectively, we can build knowledge and understanding.
Okay, first, there is a widespread opinion that therapists are bad, or harmful, or actively making people worse.
On the other hand, there are also people who state very surely that therapy has helped them a lot, even in some cases being instrumental to their success in life. I am one of those people.
Here is my theory to account for this fact pattern (maybe not fact-pattern, but “plausible-claim-pattern”):
First, I think that upwards of 70-80% of therapists ARE harmful. Yes, that’s right, I think the MAJORITY of therapists who offer therapy services of some kind are actually harmful.
However, about 20% of therapists are very skilled and when there is a good fit, they can be tremendously helpful in overcoming psychological blocks and unlocking a patient’s potential.
The problem with most therapists being harmful seems to be due to a few factors:
1) There is no really strict formal licensing. Almost anyone can take some classes and become a “therapist,” minimally speaking. There are some levels of certification, and yeah if you want to prescribe medication, a psychiatrist is an actual doctor. But the gate is pretty low.
2) Many therapists have mental problems. They got therapy themselves, it helped a lot, they develop a parasocial admiration for their therapist, who they see as someone who really helped them when no one else did…
… so (while still not yet totally healthy and feeling directionless), they want to help people in the same way, so they take classes and become a therapist themselves. Those therapists are not likely to be very good at their jobs, or at least emotionally compromised.
3: Many therapists are probably dumber than you. I believe that highly intelligent people benefit disproportionately from therapy, for reasons involving cognition and emotional dysregulation that I won’t get into, but you can’t have a therapist who is less intelligent than you.
This is an area where raw IQ just matters. Of course you need a therapist with a higher EQ than you, but someone with a lower IQ simply will not be able to understand everything you say and…
… statistically speaking, the smarter you are, the fewer therapists there are who are smarter than you. And you layer on all the other requirements I’ll talk about in this thread, and the pool of therapists who can benefit you is going to be very small.
You can’t have a therapist who is less able to analyze the ideas your brain is spewing out than you are - you need someone who can see around corners that you can’t: this includes analytical ones as well as emotional ones.
The above 3 reasons yield a situation where the MAJORITY of therapists are useless or actively harmful, drowning out the small fraction of highly professional, highly intelligent, high-EQ, ultra-competent therapists.
Those therapists can be AMAZING. They have great insight into the human condition, they are well-versed in psychology and mental health issues, they stay up to date with the literature, and they are smart.
If you want your therapy to be not just useful, but so good that it unlocks psychological strength and mental capabilities you never knew you had, you need to find one of those therapists.
I will give you some tips later on about how to do so, as well as how to avoid bad therapists and, in the worst case, quitting a bad therapist as soon as you realize it’s not working.
First though, what does it MEAN to go to therapy? What does a therapist DO? This is important to get clear first.
One way a lot of people explain it is that a therapist is a like “a personal trainer for your mind.”
One way a lot of people explain it is that a therapist is a like “a personal trainer for your mind.”
This makes sense from a certain angle, e.g. if you are wealthy enough to have a personal trainer, you know how great that is, and it means you don’t need to “have problems” to benefit from a therapist just like you don’t need to have an injury to benefit from a personal trainer.
That’s fine, but the way I like to describe it is that it’s like having an extra cognition module attached to your brain, one that allows you to come up with ideas your brain wouldn’t normally think of (or are blocked from considering too deeply due to emotional issues) …
… or which allows you to think more objectively about an issue or situation when you’re otherwise under a lot of distortive emotional strain (“on tilt”).
It’s not that your therapist is perfectly objective and has no biases, it’s that your therapist doesn’t have the same biases that you do, and can usually remain detached and objective when you might be emotionally compromised.
Did you ever want to have extra brains? This is how you do it. And yes, it’s even includes extra memory storage, because sometimes they’ll remember things you forgot (or neglected to remember because you didn’t think it was important at the time).
What a therapist is NOT:
A therapist is not there to tell you what to do.
A therapist is not there to tell you what to do.
A lot of people make this mistake, like the therapist is a new parent or authority figure or something. Do not make this mistake.
Your therapist helps you think thoughts that you might not otherwise have thought.
Your therapist helps you think thoughts that you might not otherwise have thought.
Your therapist may say things like, “I think doing X could be a good idea” (although a smart one will also say, “… if you are trying to accomplish Y”) but that is NOT them telling you to do something.
The most important thing to realize in therapy is that your therapist helps you come up with more (and hopefully better) thoughts, and analyze them more thoroughly, but the decisions around what you choose to DO are up to you and you alone.
You are responsible for your own decisions, always. The therapist exists to provide you with more cognitive and emotional power, that’s all. YOU must make choices.
This is very important, and I will emphasize it again, because people often don’t fully benefit from therapy because they are kind of waiting for the therapist to come up with “the answer to their life” so that they know what to do.
All the while, a good therapist will remain carefully neutral and NOT do that, because their job is to help you figure it out and achieve YOUR goals.
All the while, a good therapist will remain carefully neutral and NOT do that, because their job is to help you figure it out and achieve YOUR goals.
(In limited circumstances, a therapist may outright advocate a course of action, but I’ve typically only seen this when it comes to something like “I don’t think you should X” and X is something like going back to a dangerously abusive partner or family member)
But in general, they are there to “help you think it through better.” A therapist saying “you should do X” is just the same as when you have that thought in your head, i.e. maybe you should - is that going to be your decision then?
Another thing therapist is not supposed to do is:
Judge you according to a value system other than the one you profess.
Judge you according to a value system other than the one you profess.
So, if you are a Christian, going to an avowedly Christian therapist can work. If you are not, it is likely to not result in productive therapy.
A good therapist will, near the beginning of your therapy, figure out (by asking or through some exercise) what your individual values are, what YOU care about and want out of life.
Remember, they are a cognitive module add-on to your brain, so they help YOU to think more and better, like your own brain would.
If a part of your brain was judging you according to different values from the rest of your brain, you’d just end up with more conflict.
If a part of your brain was judging you according to different values from the rest of your brain, you’d just end up with more conflict.
In fact, this is one of the common problems people have, which is that on the one hand they are trying to live according to certain values held by others (family, friends, society) while they themselves actually hold different values.
A therapist can help you clarify this, and then work out ways to live your life in accordance with your values, even if you must do so amongst or with other people who don’t agree.
This brings me to the third thing a therapist is NOT about:
You are not going to therapy for someone ELSE. You are going to therapy for YOU. The therapist’s job is not to make you into someone that this other person (or your family, or society) likes better. After successful therapy, YOU should like yourself better.
(Either because you’ve accepted and embraced certain parts of yourself, or you’ve changed certain parts of yourself to be what you prefer - with the first step always being more clarity about what you value)
Sometimes a person will hear, “Geez, you need to get some therapy!” from a friend, a partner, family member, etc.
There’s two ways this works, one positive and one not so positive:
There’s two ways this works, one positive and one not so positive:
The first one is that the person saying that really sees a lot of potential in you, they might even deeply love you, but you have some problems that are just too complex for them to help you with (maybe they don’t have the time, or just can’t handle the emotional labor).
They really want you to be able to become the great person they see in you, but they can’t do the work - and they know that with a good therapist, maybe you can sort it out and become Your Best Self. That’s the positive.
The other one is that they want you to be a certain type of person who’s more palatable to them, and they think a therapist will push you in that direction. That is not so good. It is actually really toxic.
One in which this latter case manifests is if the other person is paying for your therapy. The therapist might’ve consulted with THEM about what you “need,” and it’s unlikely to lead anywhere good.
Sometimes parents pay for their childrens’ therapy. This can be good, if they have the child’s best intentions in mind, but other times it can be really toxic. We will assume for the purposes of this discussion that you are an adult paying for your own therapy.
(Do kids even use Twitter these days? It’s for old people, like Millennials)
In any case, you are going to therapy for YOU. Hopefully, a better YOU is better for everyone around you (unless you have toxic people in your life who are trying to manipulate or abuse you).
Therapy is a “positive externality,” and if we could solve the problems I listed above about most therapists being bad, I’d be a strong advocate of it being a universally accessible public good.
Okay, to review:
- A therapist is like having some extra brains.
- They are there to help you think more and better, so you can make decisions in line with your values.
- A therapist is like having some extra brains.
- They are there to help you think more and better, so you can make decisions in line with your values.
- A therapist is NOT there to tell you what to do
- A therapist is NOT there to judge you according to a value system other than your own
- You are going to therapy for YOU, not someone else.
- A therapist is NOT there to judge you according to a value system other than your own
- You are going to therapy for YOU, not someone else.
Now we are ready to try some therapy.
How do you make sure therapy is successful for you? Here are the couple tips:
How do you make sure therapy is successful for you? Here are the couple tips:
The most important one is: you must be COMPLETELY honest and open.
You must not hide things from your therapist.
You must not hide things from your therapist.
This is very hard, but here’s why: if you had extra brains, and that part of your brain didn’t have access to all the facts, all your thoughts, it wouldn’t produce any useful cognition for you.
You cannot hide things in part of your brain from another part of your brain. That’s what not-being-honest with your therapist is effectively doing.
At best, this will result in you getting useless therapy. At worst, you will actually get harmful therapy. You must be completely open about everything you think.
Now, this is especially hard for some people. I’ve heard lots of people say, “Yeah, I know I have problems, but those thoughts for me and me alone.”
Fine, that’s understandable. But until you can be open about it, don’t try therapy - it will be a waste of your time and money (and take up valuable time where the therapist could be helping someone else).
This is why a good therapist (as I noted above) does not judge you according to any value system other than your own.
In your own mind, you need to be comfortable weighing and examining thoughts without worrying about whether they are “right or wrong.” Only then can you make use of EXTRA cognition power!
You can not hide certain thoughts from one part of your brain! That is actually skirting some definitions of insanity.
(This is why you sometimes see "therapy making someone worse")
How do you get comfortable with this? Skipping ahead to later in the thread where I’ll talk about to find a good therapist, one thing you want to do in your first meeting is pick something kind of taboo that you believe or think.
Tell that to your therapist. It doesn’t have to be a deep dark secret, it just has to be kinda related, sort of medium-dark or medium-embarrassing.
A good therapist will ACCEPT that, and detect that you are a little uncomfortable, and they will say something to set you at ease, and help you feel like you are accepted for thinking that, while not judging you for that thought.
The therapist doesn’t need to agree with you (just like you might not always agree with your own thoughts), but should give the clear impression that “it’s not going to be a problem that you said or think that,” and that we can explore these thoughts.
If you don’t feel comfortable, then it’s not the right therapist for you.
Don’t second-guess this: if you don’t feel comfortable, it’s not the right therapist for you.
Don’t second-guess this: if you don’t feel comfortable, it’s not the right therapist for you.
A good therapist is someone who inspires in you the feeling that you really can tell them everything with completely honesty, or you won’t be able to work with them. Your new brain module needs to be compatible with the rest of your brain.
Second:
You need to be willing to work on things. This isn’t necessarily “solve your problems or be more like how someone else wants you to be.”
You need to be willing to work on things. This isn’t necessarily “solve your problems or be more like how someone else wants you to be.”
No, you should be going to therapy because you want to go to therapy and that you’re going to put to work whatever insights you come up with there.
Some people go to therapy, and they talk about stuff, and the therapist says, “Well, maybe this isn’t what you really want to do, or this other thing is something you might want to try.”
And then the person persistently does the opposite. (Usually this is because they’re not being fully honest with their therapist or they don’t want to be there)
Therapists have a phrase for this, which is “help-seeking-help-rejecting,” and they avoid patients like that.
The patient will ask for help with X, the therapist will suggest Y, and the patient will do anything but Y.
The patient will ask for help with X, the therapist will suggest Y, and the patient will do anything but Y.
Again, the therapist isn’t there to tell you what to do, but if you keep subverting yourself by not doing the things that might help you with the issues you’re supposedly trying to work on, therapists don’t like that.
They don’t get personally offended, but what happens is that people like that often then go and loudly proclaim that the therapist didn’t solve their problem for them and that the therapist made their problems worse.
This affects their professional reputation so they avoid patients like that.
(You can probably also think of some friends who do that)
(You can probably also think of some friends who do that)
The easiest way to avoid that is 1) be honest with your therapist so they have all the facts if they’re going to recommend or opine on something, and 2) actually try to work on whatever it is you want to work on.
By the way, your goal doesn’t have to be “trying to be a better person.” Again, it’s not about other peoples’ values, it’s about what you want to do.
Your goal can be “be a scarier and more intimidating warlord who crushes all before me” if that’s really what you’re about.
Your goal can be “be a scarier and more intimidating warlord who crushes all before me” if that’s really what you’re about.
(If your therapist has a problem with that, they’ll just decline to work with you. If they take you on, then THAT’S THE MISSION)
That’s it for “how to be a good therapy patient.” There aren’t any other recommendations that are true across all therapists: frequency, medium, format, time - all of that is between you and your therapist, what works best for you.
Now, how do you find a good therapist?
This is - I’m sorry to say - very very hard.
As I noted openly above, MOST therapists are not helpful, with some fraction of them being actively harmful.
This is - I’m sorry to say - very very hard.
As I noted openly above, MOST therapists are not helpful, with some fraction of them being actively harmful.
Finding a good therapist roughly falls into two parts:
1: Finding some decent leads so you can try to get on their calendar, and
2: Identifying when a therapist is bad and quitting them quickly
1: Finding some decent leads so you can try to get on their calendar, and
2: Identifying when a therapist is bad and quitting them quickly
Luckily, one thing the pandemic has done for us is make remote therapy possible.
The laws about inter-state therapy are actually not clear: it is not exactly forbidden, but it’s also not permitted either. (Don’t quote me on this)
The laws about inter-state therapy are actually not clear: it is not exactly forbidden, but it’s also not permitted either. (Don’t quote me on this)
Either way, you can now have remote video therapy, which means you can access many more therapists than just the ones within driving distance (which limited selection a lot, especially in rural areas).
You don’t get the benefit of eye contact and body language, but it seems to be an acceptable tradeoff for a lot of people.
The best way I know to find leads is to ask someone you know who used to have problems, saw a therapist, and then became a way better/happier person - ask them who their therapist was.
A therapist is pretty personal thing - it’s not like recommending an electrician - so maybe your friend won’t agree to recommend. But if you ask around, you’ll probably get some decent leads.
That’s actually the only way I know. There’s no way to tell how good a therapist is via any other means (certifications, ratings, etc). You just ask for recommendations.
Even reading a therapist’s website will often not help you. They often have to advertise according to weird faddish trends in the psychology world and it seems to be only weakly correlated with how well they will connect with you.
The more important thing is knowing when to NOT see a therapist.
First, if a therapist tries to offer you a “package” (e.g. a session is $75, but you can buy 10 for $600 up front), DO NOT TAKE IT.
First, if a therapist tries to offer you a “package” (e.g. a session is $75, but you can buy 10 for $600 up front), DO NOT TAKE IT.
Don’t accept anything like until you’ve had a few sessions and are really sure. You don’t want any incentive making you continue seeing a therapist if they turn out to be wrong for you; the money you save is NOT worth it.
Incidentally, I know the fees are going to sound like a lot. And many of the better therapists (being in demand) may not be covered by insurance, or are out-of-network.
If you can pay it, PAY IT. Good therapy will supercharge your life.
If you can pay it, PAY IT. Good therapy will supercharge your life.
Therapists often work on a sliding scale. If you are wealthy and able to pay more, pay them at their top rate: you are subsidizing the poor grad student or high school dropout who needs therapy but can’t pay: remember that it is a positive externality.
Second, as I noted above, you want to quickly and immediately test your therapist in the first meeting to determine whether or not you will feel comfortable being completely open and honest with them.
One way to do this IS to just outright tell them something taboo to see if their reaction is one that helps you feel accepted and willing to tell them more.
Another is to just talk to them a lot, and if you come out of the meeting feeling like, “Yeah, I could really tell this person everything! They really get me!” then it’s a good sign that you found a good one.
If you don’t - if you feel bad, judged, or even lukewarm and unsure - then NO, they are not the right therapist for you. Keep looking!
It really should only take one session to figure this out - it’s the job of the therapist to help you feel at ease and safe to be open. There shouldn’t be any question after the first meeting.
Later on, therapy CAN make you feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re trying to tackle some big problems and emotional difficulties. But that feels different than feeling unsafe, and unable to open up.
In fact, ONLY in an atmosphere of trust and emotional safety (such as you would have if you had a powerful extra brain module where you could explore difficult thoughts thoroughly and privately) can you confront powerful negative emotions that may be holding you back.
Finally, I going to end this with a special message to men, who are often the most dubious (or fearful) about therapy:
Men, the world today needs you. And before you can render your greatest service to the world, you must know yourself so that you can be your absolute best self.
The world today is changing, and it’s not changing in any really known or predictable way (or it wouldn’t truly be changing). What it becomes tomorrow will be radically different than it was when we were born.
Many have reacted to that with ideas about what men should be or not be. But what is claimed in a contemporary time is always subject to fickle whims and social fads, and what’s held up as an ideal from the past will always be distorted by the fog of history.
So I will tell you my view of what the essence of masculinity is, irrespective of the era, and it is CONFIDENCE.
You will see this everywhere: ask any woman what they find most attractive (or lacking) in a man, and it is CONFIDENCE.
You will see this everywhere: ask any woman what they find most attractive (or lacking) in a man, and it is CONFIDENCE.
Not strength, not brains, not emotional availability, not sense of humor - though these may be included in the list - but always CONFIDENCE. A sureness in himself.
And the core of confidence is not what you can do, it is knowing WHO. YOU. ARE.
And the core of confidence is not what you can do, it is knowing WHO. YOU. ARE.
You do not have to conform to any prescribed notion, but this means that you must discover and author for yourself who you are.
Sometimes cultural norms can guide us, but other times they change and flex, for better or worse, and then it’s up to each man.
I was born Asian-American, so my cultural identity was liminal and never well-prescribed: thus I had to author it myself, so of course I was predisposed to also having to discover and author what my own masculinity would be.
It does not matter what your ultimate destination is, whether you are an axe-swinging lumberjack or a foppish dandy - if you know for sure who YOU are and want to BE, then that gives you the core of confidence, and that makes you a man.
If you have DEFINED yourself, you will be unassailable, that is your masculinity.
Society pulls you in all directions, it wants you to be a certain thing (and it keeps changing). What do you want to be? What do YOU value?
Society pulls you in all directions, it wants you to be a certain thing (and it keeps changing). What do you want to be? What do YOU value?
Go to therapy and work it out!
The world today needs men to be great. Your parents, your ancestors, your partners, your family and children need you. Learn who you are and want to be - and be great!
The world today needs men to be great. Your parents, your ancestors, your partners, your family and children need you. Learn who you are and want to be - and be great!
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