I’m going to talk about an attachment style that is quite often misunderstood: the fearful avoidant or ‘disorganised attachment’. people with this attachment style are a combination of anxious and avoidant, and the side that is triggered depends on their interactions with others
I don’t believe we should base someone’s behaviour entirely on an attachment style, but all are developed in childhood. in the case of a FA, their caregivers were unpredictable (sometimes traumatically) in interactions, which created a fear of forming intimate bonds with people.
the result of this is someone who craves close connections, but doesn’t trust others enough to allow them all the way in. this stems from that fear of behavioural unpredictability they have experienced: the fear of forming an intimate bond, only to be hurt or betrayed in the end
people with this attachment style often seek out connections. they are usually consistent with their communication/interest at the start, but as soon as they feel themselves getting too emotionally invested, this is when they may distance themselves or abruptly end the connection
this attachment style fears a loss of control or security - i.e. investing in someone emotionally is where they feel they risk losing control of their feelings, and therefore are at risk of being hurt or betrayed. FA’s usually take measures to ensure they don’t lose this control
measures can look like: withdrawing from interactions due to insecurity/lack of decisiveness from having a negative view of oneself (feeling unloveable). avoiding difficult conversations due to emotional dysregulation - or being purposefully blunt/cold to avoid hurt or rejection
if you’re reading this and thinking: it’s me! I know it’s tough, craving closeness but fearing the end result. I know you want to reduce disappointment you may experience when bonding with others, but we can’t avoid relational hurt forever. there are ways to heal this pattern:
a good first step in healing this is being aware that this is how you operate. whether you talk through it in therapy or do the work in your own time: learn what triggers you, why it triggers you, try pacing/questioning your intrusive thoughts instead of jumping to conclusions.
a key component of managing this pattern is developing good communication skills. learning to ask clarifying questions instead of assuming, being open about what you need and offering compromise, using ‘I feel’ instead of placing blame to make conversations less hostile, etc.
disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, this is information I have learned through personal experience and research - but hopefully the above is enlightening and informative :) 🫶🏽
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