How to Figure Out What Your Interlocutor Wants From You.
- An Anti-Manipulation Thread:
- An Anti-Manipulation Thread:
99% of the time, the person you’re talking to isn’t saying what he really wants to say.
That’s because we’ve made a culture of indirectness and unprecedented formality, even in casual conversations.
That’s because we’ve made a culture of indirectness and unprecedented formality, even in casual conversations.
Frankness is frowned upon, and many would call you an asshole or cringe behind your back.
The ideal situation is of course be clear on what one wants, but due to societal expectations, most of the people you see are hiding behind a mask.
The ideal situation is of course be clear on what one wants, but due to societal expectations, most of the people you see are hiding behind a mask.
And those who don’t are either seen as “weird” or “lacking social skills”, or if they have high enough status, seen as “down to earth” and “honest”.
It’s a game I don’t want to play, but it’s necessary if you don’t have much status and would like to refrain from making unnecessary enemies, especially in working situations.
If you watch films or read books, this phenomenon of not saying what you really want to say is called “doublespeak”, and its meaning is “subtext”.
Tarantino once said to write great subtext, the director/writer must:
Tarantino once said to write great subtext, the director/writer must:
1. Understand what character A wants more than anything in this world
2. Understand what character B wants more than anything in this world
3. Understand what you as a director want the audience to take away more than anything in this world
2. Understand what character B wants more than anything in this world
3. Understand what you as a director want the audience to take away more than anything in this world
It’s simple and really great advice for writing, but when we apply it to normal conversation, it becomes:
1. Understand what you want to get out of the conversation
1. Understand what you want to get out of the conversation
The last thing you want to do is make conversation (small talk) for the sake of it.
It not only dulls you, but it will also show that you have nothing better to do.
It not only dulls you, but it will also show that you have nothing better to do.
If you derive no enjoyment from talking to someone, and find nothing to gain from putting up with them, then there’s no point in holding conversation unless you’re trying to improve your social skills.
The time is probably going to be better spent at work or on a conversation with a loved one.
I do NOT mean that you should only be talking to someone when you want money. That’s honestly one of the worst things you could do.
I do NOT mean that you should only be talking to someone when you want money. That’s honestly one of the worst things you could do.
Just a side note: never ask for money from someone of equal or higher status to you. You will form a stench that repulses those people.
They will lose respect for you, and it’s extremely hard to reverse the damage.
They will lose respect for you, and it’s extremely hard to reverse the damage.
I’m only saying that if you derive absolutely no pleasure from talking with someone, and sees no short/ long-term reward (i.e. building a good relationship), then you shouldn’t engage in it.
All you have to do is just end the conversation and let your interlocutor know that you have somewhere to go.
Be polite.
2. Understand why the other person is willing to converse with you
Be polite.
2. Understand why the other person is willing to converse with you
There are infinite possibilities of wants and needs in this world, so it’s near impossible to pinpoint what the other person wants, but you can bracket it under three types:
1. Need for achievement (money, career, etc.)
1. Need for achievement (money, career, etc.)
2. Need for affiliation (social status, being liked, etc.)
3. Need for power
These three make up what’s called McClelland’s Achievement Need Theory, which is one that’s used for HR management in corporate companies.
3. Need for power
These three make up what’s called McClelland’s Achievement Need Theory, which is one that’s used for HR management in corporate companies.
Knowing the true specific desire of the other may not benefit more than knowing which type of need they are seeking–
After all, they might just do the same thing to achieve the need.
After all, they might just do the same thing to achieve the need.
Ex. You don’t need to know the specific dollar amount to think about what he would do next, or especially, what he would do to you. All you need to know is that he may want your money.
So in a way, though it’s a generalization, it’s far from being an over-generalization.
So in a way, though it’s a generalization, it’s far from being an over-generalization.
A few things to consider when talking to someone:
- Their social role (i.e. colleague, friend, etc.)
- Their personality
- Their recent endeavors and projects
- Their relationship with others in the space/ superiors
You might not know everything I’ve listed, and that’s fine.
- Their social role (i.e. colleague, friend, etc.)
- Their personality
- Their recent endeavors and projects
- Their relationship with others in the space/ superiors
You might not know everything I’ve listed, and that’s fine.
Start forming a habit of paying attention to those around you and learn more about them.
People also love to talk about themselves, and often, a bit too much.
Another note: this doesn’t mean going interview mode on every person.
People also love to talk about themselves, and often, a bit too much.
Another note: this doesn’t mean going interview mode on every person.
All you have to do is direct the conversation to these topics and talk.
It’s also crucial to pay attention to their microexpressions and body language.
3. Understand what you want the other person/others around you to take away from the conversation
It’s also crucial to pay attention to their microexpressions and body language.
3. Understand what you want the other person/others around you to take away from the conversation
Once you understand what they’re trying to get at, it’s time for you to make a decision.
Are you going to satisfy your interlocutor’s desire or not?
Are you going to satisfy your interlocutor’s desire or not?
If you don’t know the person that well, it’s fine to give them what they want as long as it’s not at a net negative to you (i.e. you don’t have to waste a lot of time).
If the person comes back again with no desire of reciprocation or shame, you have to stand your ground and reject their ask.
Know that if you don’t do so, you’ll only make yourself harder to reject their demands next time it comes, and you’ll be setting yourself up for a nasty predicament.
If you know your interlocutor’s personality, or has heard from friends that the guy is going to everyone to ask for shit, you could subtly tell them to fuck off by saying the opposite of what they’d like to hear.
For instance, if you know he’s a greedy bastard, mention how much you hate materialism, or if you want, straight up say that you hate people who always ask for money.
Your interlocutor would often nod and agree with you out of politeness, especially when he needs you more than you need them, and sees you as someone of superior status.
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That's it for me.
If you enjoyed this:
1. Comment any questions you have about persuasion, manipulation or social skills
2. Follow me @soullesshank for threads every other day
3. A RT is also much appreciated
If you enjoyed this:
1. Comment any questions you have about persuasion, manipulation or social skills
2. Follow me @soullesshank for threads every other day
3. A RT is also much appreciated
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