Long🧵
It occurred to me recently that a lot of healthy relationship skills are the same things drivers do to stay safe.
(This is an abridged version of my article:
autismchrysalis.com )
#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodiversity #AutisticTwitter #AuDHD #autismacceptance
It occurred to me recently that a lot of healthy relationship skills are the same things drivers do to stay safe.
(This is an abridged version of my article:
autismchrysalis.com )
#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodiversity #AutisticTwitter #AuDHD #autismacceptance
In both safe driving and healthy communication, each person sends signals to the other person about their intentions, in time for the other person to adjust what they are doing.
Unsafe drivers, and unhealthy communicators, maneuver without warning, too fast for the other person to make useful adjustments. This often leaves the other person confused, anxious, or injured.
Here are a few driving signals as metaphors for healthy communication. (My apologies to every other country, as all of these references are using US-centered driving standards.)
Turn signals — small adjustments
Turn signals are indications of our wants, needs, and other things that are going on inside that other people can’t see.
Turn signals are indications of our wants, needs, and other things that are going on inside that other people can’t see.
They let others know your intentions far enough in advance for them to adjust what they are doing. For example, as a driver you might need the car behind you to slow down so that you can slow down to make a safe turn.
In relationships, it might be telling someone that a sensory issue is bothering you, and asking for an adjustment.
Or telling someone what they’re saying is not coming across well, early on rather than waiting until it’s bothered you enough that you can’t deal with it anymore.
Or telling someone what they’re saying is not coming across well, early on rather than waiting until it’s bothered you enough that you can’t deal with it anymore.
Brake lights — big changes
Brake lights are hard stops with another person. It could mean the end of a conversation, leaving a situation, or the end of a relationship, and can come abruptly if there haven’t been turn signals beforehand to give adequate warning.
Brake lights are hard stops with another person. It could mean the end of a conversation, leaving a situation, or the end of a relationship, and can come abruptly if there haven’t been turn signals beforehand to give adequate warning.
When you’re in a relationship and everything seems to be going just fine, and then all of a sudden the other person tells you that you’re too much and they need out of the relationship, they weren’t giving you useful turn signals early enough for you to do anything about it.
Or if you’re dealing with an overwhelming sensory stimulus, until you can’t stand it anymore, and you explode or lash out or panic, and the other person is like, “where did that come from?” You weren’t giving signals early enough for the other person to make useful adjustments.
Steering wheel wave — “I’m a safe person”
As a driver, I’ll give the two finger steering wheel wave to other drivers or pedestrians to let them know that I’ve seen them and that they don’t have to be as concerned that I'm going to run into them.
As a driver, I’ll give the two finger steering wheel wave to other drivers or pedestrians to let them know that I’ve seen them and that they don’t have to be as concerned that I'm going to run into them.
In relationships, there are lots of ways you can signal to people that you're not trying to hurt them:
Responding with openness and curiosity when someone tells you that sth you said or did hurt them.
Accommodating someone else’s sensory needs when it’s not an issue for you.
Responding with openness and curiosity when someone tells you that sth you said or did hurt them.
Accommodating someone else’s sensory needs when it’s not an issue for you.
Asking about their day or about something that they’re interested in, even when the topic isn’t of interest to you, as a way of showing that you care about the person.
Doing something nice for them as an outward sign that you were thinking about them and care about them.
Doing something nice for them as an outward sign that you were thinking about them and care about them.
Headlights — identity and needs
At night, or in low-visibility conditions, drivers turn on headlights to signal to the drivers around them, “this is where I am” so they can make adjustments and stay safe.
At night, or in low-visibility conditions, drivers turn on headlights to signal to the drivers around them, “this is where I am” so they can make adjustments and stay safe.
The relationship equivalent is providing identity signals when relevant info may not be obvious (to others). It’s letting people know, “this is who I am,” or “this is what I need,” so they don’t have to guess, wonder, or assume the wrong thing, hurting feelings in the process.
This could be things like providing pronouns up front.
Using your own preferred language if, and when, you choose to disclose something about yourself.
Explaining that you’re looking away to reduce stimulation so you can think about what they said, not to be rude.
Using your own preferred language if, and when, you choose to disclose something about yourself.
Explaining that you’re looking away to reduce stimulation so you can think about what they said, not to be rude.
These signals help people navigate your needs when you act, look, communicate, or move in a way that is different from the perceived norm. The alternative is assuming that they should just know, and getting disappointed, frustrated, or angry, when they don’t.
Backup beep — abusive or toxic relationships
Oh, the backup beep. Sigh. My auditory sensitivities would love to banish the backup beep into another realm. However, grudgingly, I do admit that there is a safety-oriented purpose to it.
Oh, the backup beep. Sigh. My auditory sensitivities would love to banish the backup beep into another realm. However, grudgingly, I do admit that there is a safety-oriented purpose to it.
The driver of a large vehicle often does not have a complete field of vision around the vehicle, so the beep is a signal to people nearby that the driver is about to make a maneuver in which they may not see you, so you need to take care of yourself and get out of the way.
In relationships, backup beeps are the signs of an abusive or toxic relationship. Like that bleeping beep, they're often painful experiences.
They're signaling that this person is not going to take care of you so it’s up to you to take care of yourself and get out of their way.
They're signaling that this person is not going to take care of you so it’s up to you to take care of yourself and get out of their way.
Lane markers — setting boundaries
Painted lines on the road give information to drivers about where they can expect to drive safely, so everyone can navigate the road with more confidence that they are not going to hit someone, or be hit.
Painted lines on the road give information to drivers about where they can expect to drive safely, so everyone can navigate the road with more confidence that they are not going to hit someone, or be hit.
Of course, not everyone always follows those expectations and accidents happen, but there are far fewer when we have clear boundaries.
In relationships, we can let other people know what is okay to us, and what’s not okay. At its essence, that's all setting boundaries really is.
In relationships, we can let other people know what is okay to us, and what’s not okay. At its essence, that's all setting boundaries really is.
It’s not being controlling, making grand pronouncements, or imposing huge requirements on other people. It is simply giving indications of what you’ll put up with and what you won’t, what you need, what you’ll do for others, when, or how, or under what circumstances, etc.
In closing, relationships are a skill you can get better at.
I’ve gotten soooo much better at relationships since my autism diagnosis, as I sought to understand how they work through these types of cognitive explanations. I hope something in this sparked a thought for you.
I’ve gotten soooo much better at relationships since my autism diagnosis, as I sought to understand how they work through these types of cognitive explanations. I hope something in this sparked a thought for you.
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