let’s talk about 4 pillars of unhealthy communication. psychologist john gottman dubbed these the 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, and his research suggests they are likely to increase separation: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
criticism is when one attacks the character of the other person and puts down their qualities, e.g. ‘you never do ‘x’’ or ‘you always do ‘x’’. it differs from stating a need, which usually looks to directly address and solve the issue - using phrases such as ‘I feel’ instead.
contempt is when there is mocking, derision or a superiority complex involved, e.g. ‘of course you did [x negative action], I’d hardly expect anything different.’ the way to remedy this is making sure kind actions are praised and communication is appreciative wherever possible.
defensiveness is when when a problem is addressed and met with constant deflection (usually as a defense mechanism) to avoid blame and shame. this can be helped by using validating language e.g. ‘I can understand how my ‘x’ action caused that feeling’ and taking accountability.
stonewalling is the refusal to communicate properly when an issue is raised - withdrawing to avoid conflict/if someone is emotionally overwhelmed or triggered. stating the need to take a break and self-soothe and then readdressing the issue in a clearer state of mind is key.
where there is a ‘horseman’, there is a remedy, or ‘antidote’, as gottman describes. I hope this breakdown adds some insight into recognising areas of unhealthy communication, and tips to alleviate them :)
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