How my 10-year-old son helped me overcome my academic insecurities:
I was born, brought up, and educated in Pakistan — a very status conscious society.
In the Pakistan that I am familiar with, one's worth is determined by:
In the Pakistan that I am familiar with, one's worth is determined by:
1. Language one speaks (English on top, then Urdu, and if one speaks a language like Punjabi chances are people will assume one is illiterate)
2. Education (again private "English medium" education on top)
3. Family background, wealth (no brainer)
One is accorded "respect" depending on these and various other factors.
A human being is not inherently respectable. One is respectable because of X, Y, Z.
3. Family background, wealth (no brainer)
One is accorded "respect" depending on these and various other factors.
A human being is not inherently respectable. One is respectable because of X, Y, Z.
If you're interested in reading more about how one becomes "respectable," Ammara Maqsood's book "The New Pakistani Middle Class" is a great place to start.
Many Pakistanis aspire to go abroad for higher education.
But most don't just want to go to any university abroad.
They want to go to Oxbridge and/or Ivy League colleges.
They don't want the education, they want the *brand* and the social capital it brings.
But most don't just want to go to any university abroad.
They want to go to Oxbridge and/or Ivy League colleges.
They don't want the education, they want the *brand* and the social capital it brings.
If you meet a Pakistani who attended (or is attending) Oxbridge/Ivy League, there's a high chance they will drop the name of their college within 30 seconds of meeting you 😂
And their Twitter bios will always mention the name of their college, which is understandable.
And their Twitter bios will always mention the name of their college, which is understandable.
In 2016, I won a Fulbright PhD grant and got placed in the Department of Comparative Literature at the State University of New York (SUNY) at Binghamton.
At a social gathering in Islamabad, someone asked me about my placement and when I told them, they uttered a pitiful "Oh" as in "you poor, poor thing."
In this Pakistani imaginary, going to an American state school doesn't mean much.
In this Pakistani imaginary, going to an American state school doesn't mean much.
When I arrived in Binghamton, I had already internalized these biases and felt very insecure as a result.
I could've celebrated my successes but instead I'd tell myself that a state school is no good and that I *should* apply to Oxbridge/Ivy League colleges.
I could've celebrated my successes but instead I'd tell myself that a state school is no good and that I *should* apply to Oxbridge/Ivy League colleges.
I spent a lot of time and effort *should-ing* myself.
If you're unfamiliar with what should-ing is, I wrote about it here 👇
If you're unfamiliar with what should-ing is, I wrote about it here 👇
Nearly halfway through my PhD, I felt so insecure that I started applying to Oxbridge/Ivy League colleges.
I had a great research proposal, glowing recommendation letters, and a decent GRE score.
And yet, my applications got rejected by every single college I applied to.
I had a great research proposal, glowing recommendation letters, and a decent GRE score.
And yet, my applications got rejected by every single college I applied to.
The rejections shattered my confidence to pieces and increased the level of my insecurities manifold.
I thought my work and myself didn't amount to much and that was *after* I'd won a fully-funded grant, and had my work published in places like the Washington Post and LA Times.
I thought my work and myself didn't amount to much and that was *after* I'd won a fully-funded grant, and had my work published in places like the Washington Post and LA Times.
For the longest time, I felt that way about myself, and then one day my son (10 at the time) came home from school and said,
"Dad, today I showed my friend you're on Google."
I didn't get what he'd said.
"Dad, today I showed my friend you're on Google."
I didn't get what he'd said.
"Go to Google, type 'mushtaq bilal binghamton' and you'll show up," he said.
I was sitting at my desk at the time.
I typed "mushtaq bilal" in the Google search bar and it autofilled "mushtaq bilal binghamton."
I was sitting at my desk at the time.
I typed "mushtaq bilal" in the Google search bar and it autofilled "mushtaq bilal binghamton."
A few years ago, I had published a book of interviews with ten Pakistani novelists, and apparently people had been looking me up on Google.
At that moment as my son stood with his arm around my shoulder, I had an epiphany.
I realized there was a place for me in the world — brand name college or no brand name.
I only had to be courageous enough to accept it.
And I did.
I realized there was a place for me in the world — brand name college or no brand name.
I only had to be courageous enough to accept it.
And I did.
The fact that my son was so proud of me that he showed my profile off to his friend gave a great boost to my confidence.
In the weeks and months that followed, I transformed myself completely.
I stopped feeling intimidated by academic prestige and started believing in my work.
In the weeks and months that followed, I transformed myself completely.
I stopped feeling intimidated by academic prestige and started believing in my work.
These days, I think there is a place for each and every one of us in the world.
It's just a matter of being courageous enough to accept that place without feeling entitled or resentful.
It's just a matter of being courageous enough to accept that place without feeling entitled or resentful.
I may not be Mushtaq Bilal, an Oxbridge/Ivy League PhD, but I am Mushtaq Bilal, and that's good enough for me.
It should've been good enough all along.
It should've been good enough all along.
Found this thread helpful?
1. Scroll to the top and retweet the first tweet to help your friends you may be feeling insecure.
2. Follow me @MushtaqBilalPhD for regular tips on academic writing.
1. Scroll to the top and retweet the first tweet to help your friends you may be feeling insecure.
2. Follow me @MushtaqBilalPhD for regular tips on academic writing.
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