Do children owe their parents?
This is something I have given deep thought to, and as someone who has a fairly healthy relationship with my incredibly loving and understanding parents, the answer is no.
Here's a thread why.
This is something I have given deep thought to, and as someone who has a fairly healthy relationship with my incredibly loving and understanding parents, the answer is no.
Here's a thread why.
Do you owe them because they birthed you?
Purely based in the nature of the relationship, no. They chose to have you - for whatever reason. No child asked to be born. There is nothing to reciprocate here and therefore, you do not owe them
Purely based in the nature of the relationship, no. They chose to have you - for whatever reason. No child asked to be born. There is nothing to reciprocate here and therefore, you do not owe them
Do you owe them because they spent money on your education and providing for you into adulthood?
Again, no. They chose to have you, and providing basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, education is a bare minimum. It is their duty to fund your basic needs because they had you
Again, no. They chose to have you, and providing basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, education is a bare minimum. It is their duty to fund your basic needs because they had you
Do you owe them because "they are your parents"?
Absolutely not. Not all parents are equal. In fact most people who become parents aren't even qualified, and what they call "good parenting" depends on individual perspective. There is no benchmark here ++
Absolutely not. Not all parents are equal. In fact most people who become parents aren't even qualified, and what they call "good parenting" depends on individual perspective. There is no benchmark here ++
++ and this could go to either extremes - you could turn out really good, or you could suffer from trauma. Parents don't really know what they're doing most of the time, and very few make the effort to actually learn and be healthy with their kids. Especially in older generations
This lovely article by E B Johnson opens with
NEWS FLASH: You didnβt ask to be brought into this world and they had a legal (and moral) obligation to feed, clothe, school, and care for you.
medium.com.
NEWS FLASH: You didnβt ask to be brought into this world and they had a legal (and moral) obligation to feed, clothe, school, and care for you.
medium.com.
Johnson goes on to talk about toxic parents who see their children as possessions. He says
"... you donβt owe your parents a thing. Not your happiness, not your career, not your family β nothing.
Your life is entirely your own, and your parents have no right to dictate that."
"... you donβt owe your parents a thing. Not your happiness, not your career, not your family β nothing.
Your life is entirely your own, and your parents have no right to dictate that."
On toxic parents he also says
"While many of them like to remind us they are responsible for the gift of life, the real question is, what kind of gift is that when youβre constantly being emotionally battered and shamed? "
Feels so familiar no?
"While many of them like to remind us they are responsible for the gift of life, the real question is, what kind of gift is that when youβre constantly being emotionally battered and shamed? "
Feels so familiar no?
Family can be amazing, but when they're not, setting boundaries is important and we have to do it without feeling any guilt, whatsoever.
"Failing to set these boundaries leaves you exposed to potential abuse, relationship interference, and more."
"Failing to set these boundaries leaves you exposed to potential abuse, relationship interference, and more."
In reality, parents don't know how to parent their adult children. The idea of letting go, of accepting that they have grown up - especially in the Indian parent context - is so difficult. Somehow thye believe that purely by having existed on this planet longer, they know better
We are guilted by our society, our traditions, our peers into believing that people deserve respect because they are older - no matter how shitty they are. We hear lines like "but after all they are your parents".
We often forget that they are human beings capable of being toxic
We often forget that they are human beings capable of being toxic
Becoming parents doesn't absolve them of their misdemeanors nor does it automatically make them a better person. They're just the same person, with additional power over a tiny human who had no control over their life. And as you grew you they held on to that power.
In an essay called βHow to Grow Old,β philosopher Bertrand Russell, observes that some parents cling to youth βin the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality.β
sites.google.com
sites.google.com
He also says
"When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them, unless they are unusually callous. ++
"When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them, unless they are unusually callous. ++
++ I do not mean that one should be without interest in them, but oneβs interest should be contemplative and, if possible, philanthropic, but not unduly emotional."
And this is where they fail as parents. They're unduly emotional. They believe them doing the basic is a sacrifice
And this is where they fail as parents. They're unduly emotional. They believe them doing the basic is a sacrifice
Gratitude is a delicate subject. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, but when both the parents and the children are good people, and parents can give without expecting anything in return, and often the children are grateful and act accordingly.
But that is a best case scenario. As long as parents keep thinking their children owe them and raise them with that conditioning, toxic relationships are bound to exist.
Just remember. You don't owe your parents anything
Just remember. You don't owe your parents anything
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