Wayne Rooney's recent team talk about his "tiny knob" capped off an incredibly weird, sexually charged, and occasionally glorious career for the legendary striker.
From shagging grannies to spiking his teammates with Viagra, here's a recap of Wazza's wildest antics...
From shagging grannies to spiking his teammates with Viagra, here's a recap of Wazza's wildest antics...
2002: After landing his first Everton contract, the shy young striker shuffles into training with global megastars like Francis Jeffers and Tony Hibbert.
But he's not impressed.
"I grew up watching them," he later recalled, but "so quickly I remember thinking 'these are crap.'"
But he's not impressed.
"I grew up watching them," he later recalled, but "so quickly I remember thinking 'these are crap.'"
2003: Hacked off at his substandard colleagues, Wayne decides to let off steam.
He's spotted frequenting a £45-a-pop Merseyside brothel, booking in marathon sessions with a rubber-suited granny by the name of 'The Auld Slapper'.
He's spotted frequenting a £45-a-pop Merseyside brothel, booking in marathon sessions with a rubber-suited granny by the name of 'The Auld Slapper'.
2004: Unsatisfied by the veteran dominatrix, Rooney returns to the red light district to shell out £140 with another prostitute.
He might have kept it quiet if he hadn't left her a note:
“To Charlotte, I shagged U on 28 Dec, loads of love, Wayne Rooney.”
He might have kept it quiet if he hadn't left her a note:
“To Charlotte, I shagged U on 28 Dec, loads of love, Wayne Rooney.”
2004: Back on the field, Wayne's impressive performances for Everton catch they eye of an intimidating young Man United fan.
11-year-old Joe Ruane demands his club sign Wayne.
Afraid of the repercussions, United eventually relent, and fork out £25m for the striker.
11-year-old Joe Ruane demands his club sign Wayne.
Afraid of the repercussions, United eventually relent, and fork out £25m for the striker.
2009: On England duty, Rooney and Jermaine Defoe offer their wide-eyed teammate Carlton Cole a vitamin tablet.
It turns out to be Viagra.
“The stonker was there," Cole later recalls. "I wasn’t sexually aroused but it was just there... I had three legs".
It turns out to be Viagra.
“The stonker was there," Cole later recalls. "I wasn’t sexually aroused but it was just there... I had three legs".
2009: Rooney saves a few pills for himself.
While Coleen is pregnant, he books a late-night threesome with 2 hookers named 'Juicy Jen' and Helen.
Jen claims the striker was "pretty average", and he paid £200 to have fags brought to their room.
Helen later wins Big Brother.
While Coleen is pregnant, he books a late-night threesome with 2 hookers named 'Juicy Jen' and Helen.
Jen claims the striker was "pretty average", and he paid £200 to have fags brought to their room.
Helen later wins Big Brother.
2010: After an earful from Coleen, Rooney heads off to the World Cup in South Africa with his tail between his legs.
But following a dire performance against Algeria, the side are booed of by fans, and a furious Rooney vents his rage at the television cameras.
But following a dire performance against Algeria, the side are booed of by fans, and a furious Rooney vents his rage at the television cameras.
2011: His sharp PR judgement is on show again when he throws himself into social media.
In an odd string of tweets, Wayne picks fights with himself, offers Rio Ferdinand lifts to training, and mourns the death of Whitney Houston.
In an odd string of tweets, Wayne picks fights with himself, offers Rio Ferdinand lifts to training, and mourns the death of Whitney Houston.
2013: After falling out with Alex Ferguson, Rooney agitates for a move away to Chelsea or Man City.
Now 20, terrifying ultra Joe Ruane does a U-turn and calls on the club to sell his former hero.
United refuse, and beef up the training ground security instead.
Now 20, terrifying ultra Joe Ruane does a U-turn and calls on the club to sell his former hero.
United refuse, and beef up the training ground security instead.
2015: A video emerges of Wayne being knocked unconscious in his kitchen by former teammate Phil Bardsley.
Phil explains the pair had been boozing together, when he challenged Rooney to get the gloves on and spar with him.
Phil explains the pair had been boozing together, when he challenged Rooney to get the gloves on and spar with him.
The next game, Rooney celebrates a goal like this...
2017: Wayne gets 100 hours community service and a driving ban after he's caught drunk at the wheel of a VW Beetle.
A 29-year-old woman in the passenger seat admits they shared a "kiss and a cuddle", before he "ogled her breasts".
She sells the car for 5 times its value.
A 29-year-old woman in the passenger seat admits they shared a "kiss and a cuddle", before he "ogled her breasts".
She sells the car for 5 times its value.
2019: He's only just got his license back when he comes a cropper again.
Wayne parks his Land Rover in a space reserved for bell ringers at his local church.
He returns to find a couple of mischievious worshippers have daubed his grubby motor with penises.
Wayne parks his Land Rover in a space reserved for bell ringers at his local church.
He returns to find a couple of mischievious worshippers have daubed his grubby motor with penises.
2019: After a season at Everton, Wayne heads to the US for a fresh start with DC United.
But he's soon up to his old tricks.
He's arrested at Ronald Reagan Airport, after getting hammered on a flight.
Police say he was stumbling around speaking "broken English".
But he's soon up to his old tricks.
He's arrested at Ronald Reagan Airport, after getting hammered on a flight.
Police say he was stumbling around speaking "broken English".
2021: After 2 years in DC, he's named manager of Derby and promises to "restore some pride and dignity to the club".
But it doesn't exactly go to plan...
Photos emerge of Wayne asleep in a budget hotel after a 5am sesh with two 21-year-old Snapchat models.
But it doesn't exactly go to plan...
Photos emerge of Wayne asleep in a budget hotel after a 5am sesh with two 21-year-old Snapchat models.
The long-suffering Coleen isn't impressed.
The Guardian report Wayne is sleeping in his office "to get Rams ready for the new season".
Yep, that's definitely why.
The Guardian report Wayne is sleeping in his office "to get Rams ready for the new season".
Yep, that's definitely why.
2022: After 20 years of tabloid exposure, Wayne decides to take control of the narrative.
At a squad meeting in his new role as DC United manager, he announces: "I've got a tiny cock."
"The young lads were horrified," said one. "They don't share the British sense of humour."
At a squad meeting in his new role as DC United manager, he announces: "I've got a tiny cock."
"The young lads were horrified," said one. "They don't share the British sense of humour."
2022: But despite their gaffer's unorthodox pep talks, and a star-studded squad including Christian Benteke and Ravel Morrison, DC United finish rock bottom of the MLS.
And now Wayne is being linked with the Southampton job - what could possibly go wrong?
And now Wayne is being linked with the Southampton job - what could possibly go wrong?
We can't promise Wayne Rooney will slip a dick pill into Jan Bednarek's protein shake, but we cover all sport's wildest stories in our free weekly email.
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