Insecurity in Relationships
When partners have doubts about the other's level of commitment in the relationship, it creates tension; which if not properly managed can lead to frustration, resentment or abuse...
THREAD
When partners have doubts about the other's level of commitment in the relationship, it creates tension; which if not properly managed can lead to frustration, resentment or abuse...
THREAD
Here a partner may have certain concerns about the other's appearance, relationship with others, nature of work and so on; and how these negatively impacts the relationship.
Like most other problems, finding a solution is primarily understanding the cause of our partner's insecurities and how we can put them to rest where possible.
The three main sources of our insecurities are:
- low self esteem
- past hurt
- our own character and Judgement
Let's discuss each one in detail…
- low self esteem
- past hurt
- our own character and Judgement
Let's discuss each one in detail…
- Low self esteem
Many times our insecurities come from a place of low self confidence. Here we often fear our partner is out there looking for someone else that has attributes we feel we lack ourselves.
Many times our insecurities come from a place of low self confidence. Here we often fear our partner is out there looking for someone else that has attributes we feel we lack ourselves.
Here there's anxiety from feeling less deserving of our partner cos we sense we don't match up to their needs and desires. For instance, we may feel we're not tall, fat, rich or smart enough. There's a fear we'll be abandoned if they find someone better.
- Past hurt
Some of our insecurities come from past experiences. If our partner exhibits a character or acts in a way that's consistent with a past hurtful experience we immediately feel triggered cos we struggle to isolate each situation.
Some of our insecurities come from past experiences. If our partner exhibits a character or acts in a way that's consistent with a past hurtful experience we immediately feel triggered cos we struggle to isolate each situation.
For instance, if we had an ex that her dressing changed immediately she started cheating, seeing a shift in our partner's style might just trigger us; even when they're being genuine.
- Our own Character and Judgement
Many times our insecurities come from projecting our own character flaws on our partner. We're suspicious of them cos we lack integrity ourselves.
Many times our insecurities come from projecting our own character flaws on our partner. We're suspicious of them cos we lack integrity ourselves.
For instance, if we say "I'm going out with friends" anytime we're out to cheat, we'll subconsciously get suspicious of our partner everytime they say same. We think they're living a page from our own book of deceit.
SOLUTIONS:
Since our discussions have shown that most of our insecurities aren't real, it's important to replace these fears with more rewarding habits and approaches: self love, trust, uncomfortable conversations and boundaries.
Since our discussions have shown that most of our insecurities aren't real, it's important to replace these fears with more rewarding habits and approaches: self love, trust, uncomfortable conversations and boundaries.
- Self love
When we love ourselves it'll show in our level of self confidence. When we're confident in our own skin, we wouldn't feel threatened by our partner's appearance, association with others or advancement in their career.
When we love ourselves it'll show in our level of self confidence. When we're confident in our own skin, we wouldn't feel threatened by our partner's appearance, association with others or advancement in their career.
- Trust
When we trust that our partner's intentions are genuine, it reduces our anxiety towards being abandoned. We have confidence that their actions are from a good place and will always be towards the good of the relationship.
When we trust that our partner's intentions are genuine, it reduces our anxiety towards being abandoned. We have confidence that their actions are from a good place and will always be towards the good of the relationship.
- Uncomfortable Conversations
It's in the uncomfortable conversations that we discuss solutions that make the relationship comfortable going forward. Instead of bottling up, tell your partner things you'd love to be improved in the relationship.
It's in the uncomfortable conversations that we discuss solutions that make the relationship comfortable going forward. Instead of bottling up, tell your partner things you'd love to be improved in the relationship.
Boundaries
As people in a relationship we need to place certain limits to how we interact with others. Exclusivity means that there should be certain time allocations, raport and even non sexual intimacy that should be reserved for our partner alone.
As people in a relationship we need to place certain limits to how we interact with others. Exclusivity means that there should be certain time allocations, raport and even non sexual intimacy that should be reserved for our partner alone.
Summary:
Insecurities lead to an unhappy relationship as the intent of all actions are questioned making it feel like an unending and burdensome audition to win the love of another. Where these can't be worked out, it's better to go our separate ways.
Insecurities lead to an unhappy relationship as the intent of all actions are questioned making it feel like an unending and burdensome audition to win the love of another. Where these can't be worked out, it's better to go our separate ways.
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