Harsh truths about limiting your partner - When it's OK and when it's not.
Or, Why Jonah Hill might be right.
Buckle up for this thread and prepare to be angry:
Or, Why Jonah Hill might be right.
Buckle up for this thread and prepare to be angry:
For context: Jonah Hill's ex has leaked some DMs which she claims are abusive and misogynistic. Are they?
The conversation shows Jonah laying out what he's not OK with in a relationship.
Some women take this as control.
Some men are saying he has the right to set boundaries.
The conversation shows Jonah laying out what he's not OK with in a relationship.
Some women take this as control.
Some men are saying he has the right to set boundaries.
Let's start with some basics here:
Is it OK to hold a boundary that your partner not cheat on you secretly behind your back when you've agreed to exclusivity, without using protection, with someone they know has an incurable STD like HIV?
If you've said yes, that's a boundary.
Is it OK to hold a boundary that your partner not cheat on you secretly behind your back when you've agreed to exclusivity, without using protection, with someone they know has an incurable STD like HIV?
If you've said yes, that's a boundary.
Very few people are going to say "No it's fine for them to break an agreement we made and put my health at risk without my consent."
So we can at least agree some boundaries on behavior are OK. That sometimes a partner has a responsibility to act a certain way for you.
So...
So we can at least agree some boundaries on behavior are OK. That sometimes a partner has a responsibility to act a certain way for you.
So...
Now we have to decide where the line is that separates control from healthy boundaries.
I will say this: THERE IS NO CLEAR LINE. At least not based on topics.
What's OK for one couple is not OK for another.
The issue here is DISCUSSING AND AGREEING.
Each couple must do this.
I will say this: THERE IS NO CLEAR LINE. At least not based on topics.
What's OK for one couple is not OK for another.
The issue here is DISCUSSING AND AGREEING.
Each couple must do this.
In the case of Jonah Hill, it sounds like they waited way too long to address what is and is not acceptable to each of them. They appear to have started the talk once feelings were already tense and hostile.
Of course it feels controlling if someone HOSTILE lays a boundary.
Of course it feels controlling if someone HOSTILE lays a boundary.
Jonah Hill isn't wrong for feeling that he needs the boundaries he clarified.
His ex isn't wrong for saying she doesn't want to abide by those.
Each of them has the right to do what they want.
Because here's the brutal kicker:
His ex isn't wrong for saying she doesn't want to abide by those.
Each of them has the right to do what they want.
Because here's the brutal kicker:
People who are attacking Jonah Hill for being abusive and misogynistic for laying out boundaries...
Are really saying that women are entitled to men's love without conditions, and that men are never allowed to express needs or expectations that limit them in any way.
Are really saying that women are entitled to men's love without conditions, and that men are never allowed to express needs or expectations that limit them in any way.
Men have every right to lay expectations out for a continued relationship.
Jonah didn't say "Do these things or I'll beat you." He said these were his conditions for a continued relationship and he wished her well if she disagreed and wanted to part ways.
Jonah didn't say "Do these things or I'll beat you." He said these were his conditions for a continued relationship and he wished her well if she disagreed and wanted to part ways.
Anyone railing at Jonah Hill for this is really saying men should shut up and provide unconditional love forever without any conditions or boundaries.
That's called emotional slavery, by the way.
That's called emotional slavery, by the way.
No one should be compelled to provide unconditional love forever without conditions.
No one should be told to shut up about their needs or desires or boundaries.
Adults can make agreements or choose to dissolve them.
And Jonah's approach was to be clear on the table with them.
No one should be told to shut up about their needs or desires or boundaries.
Adults can make agreements or choose to dissolve them.
And Jonah's approach was to be clear on the table with them.
Let's flip this around for a moment:
A woman texts her boyfriend and lays out boundaries she says she cannot live with anymore, then tells him he's free to choose to live that life and she won't have any hard feelings for him
He leaks the DMs online and claims abuse
Thoughts?
A woman texts her boyfriend and lays out boundaries she says she cannot live with anymore, then tells him he's free to choose to live that life and she won't have any hard feelings for him
He leaks the DMs online and claims abuse
Thoughts?
At some point, people need to take responsibility for their choices.
If your choice is to enjoy unlimited freedom forever without any responsibility, but demand that others provide unconditional love for you at the point of having their name smeared, that's coercion and slavery.
If your choice is to enjoy unlimited freedom forever without any responsibility, but demand that others provide unconditional love for you at the point of having their name smeared, that's coercion and slavery.
It is OK to tell your partner conditions have changed and you need certain boundaries or cannot continue.
It is OK to decide you don't want to abide by those boundaries and dissolve the relationship.
It is not OK to advocate for emotional slavery and silencing.
It is OK to decide you don't want to abide by those boundaries and dissolve the relationship.
It is not OK to advocate for emotional slavery and silencing.
So to #JonahHill and all the other Jonahs out there, male and female, who feel they have to remain silent about their needs for fear of what someone will do to them,
You're not wrong for having needs or wanting boundaries.
You don't have to be silent or a slave.
It's OK.
You're not wrong for having needs or wanting boundaries.
You don't have to be silent or a slave.
It's OK.
Finally, yes he should have addressed these boundaries much earlier in the relationship.
But maybe he DID and she ignored them, and this was his final attempt.
I wonder about that since she may have leaked his DMs online as revenge to smear him. Yet we assume her good faith?
But maybe he DID and she ignored them, and this was his final attempt.
I wonder about that since she may have leaked his DMs online as revenge to smear him. Yet we assume her good faith?
The lesson here is to apply your boundaries early and discuss them with your partner. Have an ongoing assessment of needs and an open channel of dialogue about how things are going. And don't date someone who will happily smear you by leaking your private disagreements #JonahHill
And of course this situation is evolving and we may learn more. The point here is not to declare Jonah Hill a saint or say no men ever try to control women.
But this is a great conversation starter so we can help people apply boundaries and make choices.
What is your take?
But this is a great conversation starter so we can help people apply boundaries and make choices.
What is your take?
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