10 pieces of proven investment advice for these volatile times:
1) You need to be addicted to stimulants. One pack of cigarettes or coke a day, those are rookie numbers. "I'm afraid of a heart attack." You know what prevents heart attacks? Winning-- these men are in their 90s.
1) You need to be addicted to stimulants. One pack of cigarettes or coke a day, those are rookie numbers. "I'm afraid of a heart attack." You know what prevents heart attacks? Winning-- these men are in their 90s.
2) Survive a Holocaust. If you're white, move to South Africa, and if you're black, any other part of Africa. You need the protean survival instinct that only the looming threat of impending doom can cultivate. Afterwards, you'll get backaches when the market's about to crash.
3) Grow up a poor, illiterate farmer. Book learnin' will stifle your natural instinct and intuition, poison your mind with useless astrology. And forget stock picking entirely if you have an MBA: make spreadsheets for Home Depot, buy index funds, and drink Bud Light instead.
4) If you refuse to have been an illiterate, learn the classics, philosophy, and math. Not only is this a proven investment method, it is more edifying. Whoever wants to learn "business" and "discounted cash flows" is too retarded to touch money; try a high-yield savings account.
5) Once on the sordid path to literacy, never backtrack. You must now become the world's most widely read man to have any hope of escaping destitution. But do not waste time with academic trifles, for each academic book counts as a subtraction of knowledge. Nietzsche is better.
6) Never buy a stock; if you do then you'll surely be poor. All great investors have an aversion to the vulgarity of stock buying. Occasionally one inadvertently buys a stock, although each time it is recognized as a grave error and a personal failing. Your mistake will be worse.
7) Lose all of your money. Every great investor at one point lost all of his money, and you should too. Casinos and short-dated, out of the money call options are fine strategies. Once you do, remember step 6: do not fret and try to buy stocks, because you'll lose it all again.
8) If you ignore the previous advice and invest, then put all your money into one position, preferably a complex, bespoke derivative. Bonus points if you purchase stocks on behalf of other people who will be enraged and confused at your 3x leveraged DVD wholesaler ETF purchase.
9) Be easy to confuse with David Lynch. If thatβs impossible, then you can at least watch Twin Peaks on repeat to become well-versed in timeless investment strategies such as the deductive technique, Tibetan method, instinct, and luck.
10) And, lastly, have fun: riches are useless otherwise. Marry a hotwife, befriend @realchrisrufo, get the President of Harvard fired, call Mark Cuban at 3am to say, βget reckt, fag.β There is more to the good life than gold.
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