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The emotional health of our family is the greatest influence in our own wellbeing.
Let's talk about what a secure, healthy, safe family structure actually looks like (with examples)
A THREAD π§΅:
Let's talk about what a secure, healthy, safe family structure actually looks like (with examples)
A THREAD π§΅:
A emotionally healthy (secure) family is based on authentic connection and interdependence.
Each member can fully self express, depend on each other, and openly communicate.
Each member can fully self express, depend on each other, and openly communicate.
A Secure Family:
Janel and Paul start dating.
Both partners are products of dysfunctional family dynamics that include: emotional neglect, denial, secrecy, and codependency.
Janel and Paul start dating.
Both partners are products of dysfunctional family dynamics that include: emotional neglect, denial, secrecy, and codependency.
They've both done inner work and are committed to their personal evolution as a couple as well as individually.
Their core focus is learning how to regulate their emotions, rather than being reactive (as both their parents were.)
Their core focus is learning how to regulate their emotions, rather than being reactive (as both their parents were.)
Paul struggles with anxiety and has been open to Janel about the impact of his mother's rage cycles. He startles easily and is not at ease in social settings.
Janel doesn't try to change Paul, and respects these aspects of him.
Janel doesn't try to change Paul, and respects these aspects of him.
Janel is highly sensitive to criticism and because of her chaotic childhood, she's highly controlling.
She's working on releasing control and Paul supports her by asking: "how can I make you feel safe?"
She's working on releasing control and Paul supports her by asking: "how can I make you feel safe?"
They decide they're ready for children.
For the past 4 years, they've created security and stability within their relationship.
They have become much better at navigating conflict, and respecting each other's needs.
For the past 4 years, they've created security and stability within their relationship.
They have become much better at navigating conflict, and respecting each other's needs.
They both understand that their role of a parent is to:
- support their child's emotional development
- allow their child to become who they actually are
- provide a safe space of belonging their child can return to and rely on
- support their child's emotional development
- allow their child to become who they actually are
- provide a safe space of belonging their child can return to and rely on
They have 2 children.
Their home life isn't perfect. Both of them are triggered regularly. Specifically Paul, when there's crying.
He is committed to his learned healthy coping mechanisms and takes breaks as needed.
Their home life isn't perfect. Both of them are triggered regularly. Specifically Paul, when there's crying.
He is committed to his learned healthy coping mechanisms and takes breaks as needed.
Paul's sensitivity also comes out with his children.
He regularly joins in on their games, asking his children lots of questions as they play.
Janel has not seen this side of him and her love and respect for him only grows.
He regularly joins in on their games, asking his children lots of questions as they play.
Janel has not seen this side of him and her love and respect for him only grows.
From a young age, they learn: to be open, that their thoughts matter, and that both parents are interested in their inner world.
Janel prioritizes her connection with Paul.
The children witness a functional marriage without secrecy or shaming.
Janel prioritizes her connection with Paul.
The children witness a functional marriage without secrecy or shaming.
Because they've taken an interests in their children's thoughts and inner world, they delight in seeing their personalities and interests develop.
Their youngest is highly musically inclined and they nurture this aspect of him.
They do not project ideas of who their children "should" be onto them.
They do not project ideas of who their children "should" be onto them.
Their oldest is highly expressive and pushes back when Janel goes into helicopter parenting for a sense of control.
Janel is triggered, and snaps.
"SO SORRY I AM NOT A PERFECT MOTHER! Maybe you can find a new mother, I won't be here forever!"
Janel is triggered, and snaps.
"SO SORRY I AM NOT A PERFECT MOTHER! Maybe you can find a new mother, I won't be here forever!"
Right after she says it, she goes into a freeze state.
This exact line was said to her by her own mother many times as a child.
And, that is not a way of relating she wants to pass on to her children.
This exact line was said to her by her own mother many times as a child.
And, that is not a way of relating she wants to pass on to her children.
After a few minutes when she's self regulated, she apologizes.
"I'm really sorry I just yelled at you and spoke to you that way. That isn't ok. I can imagine that didn't feel good at all."
"I'm really sorry I just yelled at you and spoke to you that way. That isn't ok. I can imagine that didn't feel good at all."
Her daughter thanks her for apologizing and Janel explains how her childhood felt very dangerous.
She knows control is her habit self, trying to make her environment safe.
Her daughter has empathy for her mother and appreciates her honesty.
She knows control is her habit self, trying to make her environment safe.
Her daughter has empathy for her mother and appreciates her honesty.
They have spats within the home (including spats between Janel and Paul) but there is always repair after them.
Both are conscious that their children are learning to love through how they love each other.
Both are conscious that their children are learning to love through how they love each other.
The children learn:
- when I hurt someone, I take ownership
- I apologize when I am wrong
- my actions impact others
- it's ok to be human (not perfect)
- when I make mistakes, people still love me
- when I hurt someone, I take ownership
- I apologize when I am wrong
- my actions impact others
- it's ok to be human (not perfect)
- when I make mistakes, people still love me
Throughout their childhood and teen years, they commit to allowing the children to face the natural consequences of their actions.
They trust them to make good decisions and give them the freedom to make mistakes.
They trust them to make good decisions and give them the freedom to make mistakes.
When their children are 18 Janel and Paul have created a secure attachment with both of them.
Their children are: empathetic, open, curious, they know how to communicate, and they naturally trust people.
Their children are: empathetic, open, curious, they know how to communicate, and they naturally trust people.
Neither have the pressure to meet the unmet needs of their parent.
Their lives are their own.
Their independence is cherished.
Their lives are their own.
Their independence is cherished.
They look forward to family gatherings and get together because home feels: safe, warm, and they look forward to connecting with each other about life.
If something is going on in their lives, they give each other space and respect each other's boundaries.
Janel and Paul have broken the cycle and provided a healthy home for their children.
The greatest gift any parent can give.
Janel and Paul have broken the cycle and provided a healthy home for their children.
The greatest gift any parent can give.
If you found this helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc
I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
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I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
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howtomeetyourself.com
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