If we grew up in a chaotic, unpredictable, or unstable environment, we confuse excitement for intimacy.
Here's why:
Here's why:
When we're raised in unpredictable homes, our nervous system develops attachments in dysregulated states.
With a dysregulated nervous system, stress hormones are released into the body, like adrenaline and cortisol.
With a dysregulated nervous system, stress hormones are released into the body, like adrenaline and cortisol.
As adults, we can confuse this fight or flight in the body (physical excitement) with intimate connection.
When we encounter people who mimic the dynamics and traits we were exposed to in our earliest years, our nervous system becomes activated.
When we encounter people who mimic the dynamics and traits we were exposed to in our earliest years, our nervous system becomes activated.
This sends physical sensations and reactions in the body that and feel: intoxicating, passionate, and all consuming.
We can confuse these biochemical reactions in the body (anxiety energy) with intimate connection.
This is why we can be drawn to people that we (intellectually) know aren't good for us. And why we can feel physically addicted to another person. Unable to leave.
True emotional intimacy, doesn't create chronic nervous system dysregulation.
True emotional intimacy is the sharing of our: fears, our deepest desires, and our needs.
It is reciprocal and it builds slowly all the time.
True emotional intimacy is the sharing of our: fears, our deepest desires, and our needs.
It is reciprocal and it builds slowly all the time.
Emotional intimacy is founded in trust.
Through predictable behavior that shows us: "I can count on this person, their words match their actions."
Through predictable behavior that shows us: "I can count on this person, their words match their actions."
For people who have a lot of childhood trauma or emotional instability in their past, this can feel boring.
We unconsciously seek that excitement as passion.
We unconsciously seek that excitement as passion.
This is why it's helpful to: go slow, pay attention to how you feel in your body, and to notice when what you're experiencing is actually fight or flight.
Signs of fight or flight energy:
- My body is surging with energy when we're separated and i'm unable to focus (separation anxiety)
- They often change their mind or go from one extreme to another out of nowhere
- There are boundary violations
- My body is surging with energy when we're separated and i'm unable to focus (separation anxiety)
- They often change their mind or go from one extreme to another out of nowhere
- There are boundary violations
- I'm often trying to change them/their behavior
- Things are regularly hidden or kept from me
- After fights or conflict, we don't repair (communicate) we just use sexual intimacy to come back together
- There's extreme highs and lows
- Things are regularly hidden or kept from me
- After fights or conflict, we don't repair (communicate) we just use sexual intimacy to come back together
- There's extreme highs and lows
Signs of emotional intimacy:
- I can fully express myself and I'm met with safe predictable responses
- Our relationship is both stable and predictable
- I can ask for my needs to get met, and am focused on meeting my partners needs (when possible)
- I can fully express myself and I'm met with safe predictable responses
- Our relationship is both stable and predictable
- I can ask for my needs to get met, and am focused on meeting my partners needs (when possible)
- When I close my eyes and picture my partner, my body has sensations of calmness and peace
- We trust each other, and have each other's best interests at heart
- We have clear boundaries and autonomy
- We give each other space when needed.
- We trust each other, and have each other's best interests at heart
- We have clear boundaries and autonomy
- We give each other space when needed.
Ask yourself: Do I feel safe with this person?
Or, do I feel like I'm re-enacting the familiar dynamics of my past, even when they feel hurtful and create misery.
Or, do I feel like I'm re-enacting the familiar dynamics of my past, even when they feel hurtful and create misery.
If you found this helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc
I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
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I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
SelfHealers Circle my global healing community opens tomorrow Waitlist only: theholisticpsychologist.com
My new workbook:
howtomeetyourself.com
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