Many of us are constantly looking for evidence that our partner will abandon us or hurt us in some way.
Here's why:
Here's why:
When we're anxiously attached, we struggle to feel safe within our relationships.
We're fixated on: what our partner is thinking, doing, or how they may hurt us.
Our fear is that we we'll abandoned.
We're fixated on: what our partner is thinking, doing, or how they may hurt us.
Our fear is that we we'll abandoned.
While we fear abandonment, on a deep unconscious level we *actually fear emotional intimacy.*
This is because in our childhood emotionally intimacy meant: being shamed or mocked, harshly punished, emotionally abandoned (silent treatment, emotional neglect)
This is because in our childhood emotionally intimacy meant: being shamed or mocked, harshly punished, emotionally abandoned (silent treatment, emotional neglect)
Being truly seen, heard, and witnessed brings up fear (and sometimes even fear or panic).
This is where patterns of sabotage come in. We fear intimacy, so we engage in behaviors that block intimacy.
Also known as self protection.
This is where patterns of sabotage come in. We fear intimacy, so we engage in behaviors that block intimacy.
Also known as self protection.
For example:
- push pull behaviors (shutting down when someone gets close)
- seeking affection or attention outside of our relationship
- putting up a "tough front" (defense mechanism)
- stonewalling (silent treatment)
- push pull behaviors (shutting down when someone gets close)
- seeking affection or attention outside of our relationship
- putting up a "tough front" (defense mechanism)
- stonewalling (silent treatment)
When we don't have authentic emotional intimacy, we need to seek evidence and constant reassurance that we're safe, consistently. And our partners mood or emotions dictates our own emotional state.
We are ok only if our partner is ok. And, how our partner feels about us becomes how we feel about ourselves. Our wellbeing is dependent on the emotional state of someone outside of ourselves.
This feels like riding an emotionally roller coaster.
This feels like riding an emotionally roller coaster.
Our anxious attachment patterns can also drive us to choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, which creates a deeper fear of abandonment.
This becomes a cycle:
I look to my partner to reassure me ----> they reject my need for connection ----> I'm abandoned ----> I withdraw ----> they feel abandoned.
My core belief "I will be abandoned" is confirmed.
And the cycle repeats.
I look to my partner to reassure me ----> they reject my need for connection ----> I'm abandoned ----> I withdraw ----> they feel abandoned.
My core belief "I will be abandoned" is confirmed.
And the cycle repeats.
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I write threads every day to help you heal.
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I write threads every day to help you heal.
Join SelfHealers Circle my global healing community: yourholisticpsychologist.thrivecart.com
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