Rattibha

Dr. Nicole LePera

14 Tweets 173 reads Jan 20, 2023

In relationships, we will all hurt people we love. This is why it's important to learn how to authentically apologize.
How to Authentically Apologize:

Many of us grew up in homes where authentic apologies weren't modeled. After people hurt each other they: shut down, avoided the issue, or pretended like the issue didn't happen.

In healthy relationships, apologies allow us to create emotional intimacy. When we take accountability for how we impact the people close to us, they feel seen.
This creates deeper bonds and a level of trust.

Note: some people don't apologize because they feel like they didn't mean to hurt the other person's feelings or didn't have bad intentions.
For example: Your partner makes a joke about a topic that's sensitive for you in front of friends.

Later, you tell your partner that joke hurt your feelings, and you didn't find it funny.
Your partner says: "I was joking, why are you taking things so seriously. I didn't mean anything by it."

Here, two things can be true at once.
Your partner didn't mean to hurt you. And, you felt hurt or uncomfortable around the joke that was made.
Both are true.

In healthy relationships, we show we care about our partners by acknowledging how we feel.
It doesn't mean we have to agree with what they're feeling. Or, that we have to feel the same way.

Through listening and emphasizing with our partners feelings, we can better understand them.
Rather than invalidating their feelings.
When we invalidate our partner's feelings, we're saying: "I'm not concerned with how you feel."

Authentic Apologies Sound Like:
- I'm really sorry I hurt you. I can understand why you feel that way."
- "I'm sorry for the way I acted, that wasn't ok. I will work on controlling my emotions when upset."

- "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for right now?"
- "I see where I shouldn't have done that and I have a lot of growing to do. I apologize and will work on x"
- "What I did was not ok or acceptable. I'm changing my behavior by doing x"

You'll notice that authentic apologies focus on:
1. Ourselves and how our own actions
2. How we will grow, change, or do better
3. How we understand the behavior was hurtful or impacted the person we love negatively

For comparison, passive aggressive apologies focus on other person. They deflect.
Passive aggressive apologies sound like:
- "ok sorry!" (said in a dismissive way)
- "im sorry if you were hurt"
- "i'm the worst person alive. Why are you even with me?"

- "sorry you took it that way"
- "I didn't mean that I was just trying to do x. i'm sorry but please see what it's like for me"
- "I'm sorry but (enter reasoning)
example: "I have been SO stressed out at work, sorry if I came off that way."

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