Rattibha

As a therapist, I found one common dynamic that keeps people in a cycle of feeling hurt and misunderstood.
This dynamic is called the determiner and saver:

The determiner is the person in the relationship that tends to have 'big' emotional reactions and sets the emotional tone within the home.
Their own views and values are all they consider and they believe they know whats best for others.

The saver is the person that's reserved that caters to the emotions of the determiner. They feel most comfortable being needed and helping without being asked.
They feel that other people aren't capable without their help.

The determiner is usually quick to go into a flight response.
The saver is usually quick to go into freeze (shut down) or fawn (appease, people please)

The determiner has low self worth.
They gain a sense of control and superiority through critiquing others around them. Typically, this is a habit pattern that is subconscious.

A determiner might say:
- "You never do things right"
- "You should know better"
- "Why are you so incompetent"

Statements like this help the determiner feel as though they are the only person that is able to do things correctly. And other people are the issue, not them.
A determiner is in the habit of blaming others.

The saver has a core belief that other adults cannot make their own decisions, are in need of help, and that if they don't step in nothing will be ok.
A saver is in the habit of placing themselves in situations to help without being asked.

A saver might say:
- "I'm just helping you because I care"
- "I'm worried about you so I do x"
- "I'm only trying to do whats best"

The core need of a determiner is to feel powerful, dominate, and in control.
The core need of a saver is to feel needed and that need is met through caretaking.

Both partners in this dynamic are getting their needs met, and at the same time they're creating a lot of dysfunction and resentment in the relationship.

The first step to healing this dynamic is to notice if this exists within your relationship.
The determiner will need to work on being more flexible and notice when they're going into critical stages (this takes practice because it's habit)

In my experience with determiners, it's quite difficult for them to let go of the ego-based illusion that they're the only competent person.
This is why it's important for them to release control and the idea of perfection in others.

The saver will need to process why they believe their role is to fix or rescue other adults. They will also need to begin to focus on themselves and meeting their own needs.
The saver uses the needs of others to escape themselves or their own issues.

In my experience with savers, without playing the role of helper they feel lost and like their life is meaningless.
This is why it's important for them to connect back to themselves. Find hobbies, interests, and to practice self care.

Partners in this dynamic can both do work to heal and grow together. These changes won't happen overnight, and it's important to be patience and to practice self compassion as you release these roles.

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