Trauma bonds activate a release of stress hormones in the body that feels like a passionate connection. They be addictive and all consuming.
Here's why:
Here's why:
When our childhood was chaotic, unpredictable, or we experienced emotional neglect, we look relationships as places to re-enact our original trauma wounds.
This is called repetition compulsion, or the subconscious desire to re-enact in order to heal.
This is called repetition compulsion, or the subconscious desire to re-enact in order to heal.
In trauma bonds, one person takes on the role of wanting to be rescued.
The "Rescue Me" partner has created a fantasy illusion that someone can rescue them from life as they know it and finally meet all of their needs.
The "Rescue Me" partner has created a fantasy illusion that someone can rescue them from life as they know it and finally meet all of their needs.
This illusion is created in childhood to escape the pain of abandonment, shame, and rejection they experience from parent figures or close family members.
The "Rescue Me" partner is attracted to people who:
- sell them the "romanticized" version of love through seduction, empty promises, or grand gestures.
- are extremely jealous (insecure) who tend to be dominate or controlling.
- sell them the "romanticized" version of love through seduction, empty promises, or grand gestures.
- are extremely jealous (insecure) who tend to be dominate or controlling.
- are extremely charming though their words rarely match their actions
- engage in intense drama cycles of conflict that often end in physical intimacy*
*physical intimacy becomes the substitute for emotional intimacy
- engage in intense drama cycles of conflict that often end in physical intimacy*
*physical intimacy becomes the substitute for emotional intimacy
The "Rescue Me" partner finds these traits attractive because they are familiar (comfortable) experiences from childhood.
They perceive intense emotional reactivity as love or passion.
They perceive intense emotional reactivity as love or passion.
If a "Rescue Me" partner meets an emotionally healthy person, they're often bored or uninterested.
Emotionally healthy people can self regulate and will not engage in drama cycles, don't show extreme jealousy, and have realistic expectations.
Emotionally healthy people can self regulate and will not engage in drama cycles, don't show extreme jealousy, and have realistic expectations.
This dynamic does not allow them to feel the excitement and anxiety they have correlated with love (based on childhood experiences.)
With time, the "Rescue Me" partner becomes more and more resentful because:
1. No partner can meet all of our needs
2. They choose partners who are impulsive, unpredictable, and emotionally unavailable (unsafe)
3. They usually become obsessively focused on their partner and neglect other areas of life
4. The fantasy fades
2. They choose partners who are impulsive, unpredictable, and emotionally unavailable (unsafe)
3. They usually become obsessively focused on their partner and neglect other areas of life
4. The fantasy fades
At this point, they will put more pressure on their partners, which will lead to their partner pulling away. This will bring on obsessive thinking about their partner.
Or, they will look for the next person they can create a new fantasy around.
Or, they will look for the next person they can create a new fantasy around.
If you find yourself in this pattern, understand this is natural and common response to unresolved childhood wounding.
And, through healing, we can make conscious choices to create healthier relationships.
And, through healing, we can make conscious choices to create healthier relationships.
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I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
Join the waitlist for @selfhealerscirc 👇theholisticpsychologist.com
My new workbook:
howtomeetyourself.com
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