We all have an attachment style that influences the way we connect in relationships. Here's a complete guide to your attachment style:
Attachment theory is an area of research that shows our ways of attaching in relationships as adults are formed in our earliest years.
This is called our attachment style.
This is called our attachment style.
There are 4 Attachment Styles:
1. Anxious Attachment: develops when parent figures are not consistent with support. They may respond to the crying child only sometimes, or respond in ways that are not predictable. Parents might be overstressed or overworked
1. Anxious Attachment: develops when parent figures are not consistent with support. They may respond to the crying child only sometimes, or respond in ways that are not predictable. Parents might be overstressed or overworked
The child cannot feel safe because they cannot predict the parents behavior. This pattern can continue in adult relationships.
How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Adult Relationships:
- extreme jealousy
- excessive neediness
- lack of trust
- deep fear of abandonment "everyone will leave me"
- needs constant reassurance
- extreme jealousy
- excessive neediness
- lack of trust
- deep fear of abandonment "everyone will leave me"
- needs constant reassurance
2. Avoidant Attachment: develops with parent figures who are dissociated (shut down) and who fear intense emotions like: anger, joy, or sadness. When their child expresses these emotions, they withdraw.
The child learns that they'll be rejected or abandoned when they feel intense emotions and with time stop seeking comfort from their parent figures.
How Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Adult Relationships:
- feels relationships are pointless
- tends to disconnect when things get too close
- is shut down or closed off emotionally
- hides or doesn't communicate how they feel
- sees partners as "needy"
- feels relationships are pointless
- tends to disconnect when things get too close
- is shut down or closed off emotionally
- hides or doesn't communicate how they feel
- sees partners as "needy"
3. Disorganized Attachment: develops when a parent figure is a sense of fear, neglect, or is abusive. One moment the parent may be loving, and other moment the parent might be explosive. Common in homes where a parent has everyone "walking on eggshells."
The child learns that the same person that is responsible for caring for them is also abusive. They will still seek the connection from the abusive parent and learn part of love is abuse. Child never knows what side of parent they will get.
How Disorganized Attachment Shows Up In Adult Relationships:
- extreme anxiety in relationships
- tends to sabotage in relationships
- craves closeness and pushes it away (push-pull)
- always on the lookout for how they'll be abandoned
- is impulsive
- extreme anxiety in relationships
- tends to sabotage in relationships
- craves closeness and pushes it away (push-pull)
- always on the lookout for how they'll be abandoned
- is impulsive
4. Secure attachment: develops when parent figures who are predictable and consistent in their responses to their children. Parents allow the child to explore and return to them, and develops a sense of self (high self worth
The child learns that people are safe, reliable, and to be trusted. They develop confidence and resilience because the parent is a safe base for them to return to as they learn to navigate life.
How Secure Attachment Shows Up In Adult Relationships:
- comfortable giving partners space
- able to have healthy communication
- trust their partner and the relationship
- has had a series of (overall) healthy romantic relationships
- comfortable giving partners space
- able to have healthy communication
- trust their partner and the relationship
- has had a series of (overall) healthy romantic relationships
It's helpful to understand attachment styles as overall guides to your adult relationships that flow depending on the relationship.
You might see yourself (and your patterns) in more than on attachment style.
You might see yourself (and your patterns) in more than on attachment style.
Many of us didn't get a secure attachment, and that's ok we can take small steps to reparent ourselves and create a healthier attachment style.
3 Ways To Start Reparenting Yourself:
1. Get to know yourself: get to know your values, what you like, what passions you have, and how you enjoy spending your time.
1. Get to know yourself: get to know your values, what you like, what passions you have, and how you enjoy spending your time.
2. Widen your window of tolerance: all our nervous systems have a window of tolerance. With insecure attachment styles, our window is very small. Learn to tolerate stress and discomfort by getting out of your comfort zone in small ways.
3. Become your own wise inner parent: our inner voice tends to mirror the voices we heard growing up. If those voices were critical, it's time to speak to yourself like the parent you didn't have.
Ex: Instead of: "ugh, you're such an idiot"
"You're doing the best you can"
Instead of: "why are you always late"
"We just feel anxious right now, we're safe."
Instead of: "No one likes you!"
"I am learning to like me"
"You're doing the best you can"
Instead of: "why are you always late"
"We just feel anxious right now, we're safe."
Instead of: "No one likes you!"
"I am learning to like me"
If you found this helpful follow:
@Theholisticpsyc
I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
My new workbook has a chapter on working through attachment styles:
howtomeetyourself.com
@Theholisticpsyc
I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.
My new workbook has a chapter on working through attachment styles:
howtomeetyourself.com
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