Why You Need To Understand Your Ego If You Want To Have Healthy Relationships:
Our ego is the part of our psyche that's formed through memories, thoughts, and experiences of our past. The ego begins developing at birth based to the feedback we get from those around us. It's our "I" identity. Or in short, who we believe we.
One of the core functions of our ego is to protect us from pain, or anything that threatens our sense of self. Our core sense of self develops from birth-age 7.
Because the ego develops in childhood, if we don't fully develop a sense of self, our ego becomes fragile. Or, over-protective. Developmental trauma like: childhood emotional neglect (CEN), emotional abuse, create ruptures in our emotional development.
If we do get a chance to fully emotionally develop as children, our ego is integrated (or stable.) When our ego is stable, we trust ourselves other people, and we have less internal conflict.
The less developed (more fragile) our ego is, the more internal conflict we have because we're protected and unwilling to see different parts of ourselves.
You might be able to think of someone in your life that's highly defensive, takes things personally, and tends to be in denial about situations. This is the fragile ego at work (in protection mode.)
Our intimate relationships are our most vulnerable relationships. Many of us have experienced: abandonment, betrayal, and deep pain from relationships in our past. This is where our ego can be most active.
In relationships, we don't want our ego driving our behavior or making decisions for us. We just want to understand the ego, know what it's up to, and make healthy choices for ourselves.
HOW OUR EGO CAN SHOW UP IN RELATIONSHIPS:
1. "If they changed, the relationship will get better"
The ego is a master externalizer, creating all sorts of thoughts about how others should change. Relationship growth comes when we're willing to work on us.
1. "If they changed, the relationship will get better"
The ego is a master externalizer, creating all sorts of thoughts about how others should change. Relationship growth comes when we're willing to work on us.
2. "They're too needy/difficult/etc"
While this can be a sign you're not compatible, it can also be a sign we need to work on our communication skills.
While this can be a sign you're not compatible, it can also be a sign we need to work on our communication skills.
3. "They will betray me and leave me"
The ego is chronically focused on past abandonment (in an attempt to stay safe.) If we have abandonment wounding we will often have thoughts like this, and they're not necessarily true.
The ego is chronically focused on past abandonment (in an attempt to stay safe.) If we have abandonment wounding we will often have thoughts like this, and they're not necessarily true.
4. "I'm not good enough for them"
Another manifestation of the abandonment wound. These thoughts are based on the past, and are not truth or reality.
Another manifestation of the abandonment wound. These thoughts are based on the past, and are not truth or reality.
5. "Someone else out there is better for me"
Again, this can be a sign of lack of compatibility. It can also be the ego selling us a story that someone else can rescue or save us from life as we know it. The ego loves this illusion.
Again, this can be a sign of lack of compatibility. It can also be the ego selling us a story that someone else can rescue or save us from life as we know it. The ego loves this illusion.
6. "If my partner is upset with me or disappointed, I'm a bad person"
This comes from childhood when we were directly or indirectly shame for told we were bad. Our partners feelings towards us do not define us.
This comes from childhood when we were directly or indirectly shame for told we were bad. Our partners feelings towards us do not define us.
7. "This should be easier"
"Should" is a favorite word of the ego. A fragile ego is never comfortable in the present moment and seeks to compare or qualify each moment.
"Should" is a favorite word of the ego. A fragile ego is never comfortable in the present moment and seeks to compare or qualify each moment.
Many people aren't aware of their ego, its thoughts, and how it drives behavior. This creates a lot of suffering. Through ego work, we can witness our ego. Allow it to have its thoughts, and make our own choices.
For a deeper, complete guide to ego work you can check out my blog post here:
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