Rattibha

Dr. Nicole LePera

15 Tweets 85 reads Feb 05, 2023

Emotional incest happens when a parent looks to a child for an emotional support that normally comes from another adult.
Here's the impact:

Emotional incest is when a parent relies on a child to get their emotional needs met.
It's different than getting some support occasionally from a child. With emotional incest, the parent becomes fully dependent on their own child.

Examples of emotional incest:
- Child becomes an emotional fill in for a spouse (marriage is unhappy, or single parent)
- Child becomes parents only sense of support and becomes like a peer relationship

- Parent looks to child to cheer them up or coach them through life (people describe "being my parent's therapist")
- Parent regularly tells child personal issues in their life that are beyond the child's maturity level
- Parent discourages independence

- Parent expects child to fill an adult role (take care of other siblings, tend to the entire home, pay bills etc)

Emotional incest is very common in emotionally immature parents who lack the ability to self reflect or see their child's developmental capabilities.
They expect a child to respond in the way an adult would.

Healthy parents respect the emotional limits of children. They know that a child cannot respond as an adult would, and do not place unrealistic expectations or pressure on them.
Boundaries are clear and the child feel safe.

Healthy parents put their child's needs first and allow them to develop passions, hobbies, and friendships outside of the home. They give children the freedom to grow and explore so they will have the resilience to one day create a life of their own.

Children raised within emotional incest will always attempt to please a parent or make them happy.
Some children feel special or chosen (especially if there are other siblings) and see this role as a way to gain love.

At the same time, their own needs are neglected.
In extreme examples, emotional incest can create dynamics where a child isn't allowed to develop a life outside of the home well into their teenage years.

A parent might guilt them to stay home, bad mouth any romantic partners or friends, and discourage anything that takes the child away from them and meeting their needs.

The Adult Impact Of Emotional Incest:
- intense patterns of people pleasing
- enabling
- identity confusion (child didn't get to develop a sense of self)
- anxiety and depression
- low self worth
- chronic fear of disappointing parent

- addiction (as an attempt to cope)
- dysfunctional relationships
- lack of boundaries
- patterns of self betrayal or neglect

Emotional incest is so common, and yet it's something few people talk about.
If you've experienced this, you can share your story with the community in the comments.
You're not alone.

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