Why Childhood Trauma is Misunderstood:
Childhood trauma is an experience (or chronic experiences) we have as children that overwhelm our capacity to cope. More than just the experience itself, trauma can occur from how the experience is navigated (meaning the support we have after.)
This is an important and often overlooked aspect of childhood trauma because often we focus just on the event.
Let's show an example of bullying. Bullying is traumatic for children, because it's a rejection or abandonment form peers.
Let's show an example of bullying. Bullying is traumatic for children, because it's a rejection or abandonment form peers.
Chronic bullying signals danger to the brain, and that loss of belonging can have long term consequences.
Here's 2 examples of how one singular event can impact two children differently:
Here's 2 examples of how one singular event can impact two children differently:
1. Sean is bullied in school. His parents are emotionally absent and take little interest in him. He spends a lot of time alone and has coped by being shut down and rarely sharing with his parents. He doesn't talk about what's happening or look for comfort.
2. Aiesha is bullied at school. Her parents are attuned to her emotional state and notice changes. They ask her what's going on, and she opens up to them. They put their feelings of being triggered aside, and fully listen asking how they can support her.
Sean is left in isolation and will internalize core beliefs like: "I'm not good enough" "I'm unworthy" "No one cares about me" "Something about me is broken."
Aiesha will explain what's happening and her parents will emotionally support her. Because they listen to her feelings without trivializing them or invalidating them ("Oh, kids will be kids") she'll internalize the belief that her feelings matter.
This is why we cannot qualify or measure traumatic experiences, because it's not simply about what the child experiences. Support systems, matter.
We see things with our adult awareness, not understanding childhood psychological development. Children are in an ego-centric state.
This means, children believe everything that happens to them is because of them. They have no ability to discern there are many different reasons why people behave the way they do.
Here's why this matters:
Situation #1: Dylan is raised in a home with an emotionally abusive, functional alcoholic father.
Situation #1: Dylan is raised in a home with an emotionally abusive, functional alcoholic father.
At 7 years old, Dylan has become used to his father's intense temper. He's stressed at work, and often comes home and snaps at his wife and kids. His father has low levels of self regulation, and uses alcohol to soothe his nervous system.
When he's drinking, his temper is worse and he often says extremely hurtful things to Dylan calling him a "wuss" and a "sissy" if he gets upset by his father's actions. At the same time, Dylan watches his father be emotionally abusive to his mother.
This creates a deep internal conflict within Dylan. His father is a god-like figure who his survival depends on. Because of his age and level of emotional development, Dylan cannot objectively view his father.
He can't reason: "My dad has generational trauma. He's extremely stressed at work and overall unhappy with his life. He never learned healthy communication, and sees mocking people as a way of expressing affection. His behavior reflects his inner world."
Instead he internalizes the belief: "I create my father's behavior. I'm yelled at and shamed because I deserve this. Something about me is wrong, and I will try to adapt and survive in the best ways I can to get my father's love and validation."
Childhood trauma manifests itself as:
- communication patterns
- coping mechanisms
- inability to self regulate
- chronic fight or flight
- relational patterns (typically dysfunctional)
- low self worth
- chronic hypervigilance
- communication patterns
- coping mechanisms
- inability to self regulate
- chronic fight or flight
- relational patterns (typically dysfunctional)
- low self worth
- chronic hypervigilance
It's also worth noting that childhood trauma changes the shape and development of a child's brain
researchgate.net
researchgate.net
As an adult, Dylan has an intense inner critic (a voice that often shames himself and beats himself up). He is stuck in fight or flight and also uses alcohol as an attempt to self soothe. His partnerships are toxic and he often goes into explosive anger.
Dylans past is reflected in the present.
Situation #2: Jenna is 8 and raised in a home with a home with an emotionally repressed, distant mother who struggles to connect.
Situation #2: Jenna is 8 and raised in a home with a home with an emotionally repressed, distant mother who struggles to connect.
Jenna's mother believes that children essentially raise themselves. She spends little time engaging and when upset she gives Jenna the silent treatment, sometimes for days at a time.
She can't reason: "My mom has poor coping skills and goes into shut down mode often. She has intense anxiety and has never learned to deal with it. When she ignores my existence, it's because she cannot cope, not something about who I am."
Instead she internalizes the belief: "When I do something wrong or that someone doesn't approve of, I no longer exist. Love is transactional. I must be perfect in order to consistently be loved. If not, love will be withdrawn."
As an adult, Jenna becomes a chronic people pleaser. She often abandons herself and her own needs for love just as she did as a child. When partners treat her badly, she blames herself and works even harder for validation.
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