Rattibha

When your partner isn't meeting your needs, ask yourself these questions:

Having needs met by our partner is the difference between a fulfilled and an unfulfilled relationship.
In order to get our needs met, we have to communicate our needs. Our partners are not mind readers.
This can be uncomfortable so many of us avoid it

When we avoid it, we only create disappointment and resentment. And, we don't give our partners an opportunity to be there for us in a way we need it.

Questions to ask yourself if your partner isn't meeting your needs:
1. Have I told them (specifically) what I need?
Specific examples create clarity and get us on the same page.

Not specific: Can we spend more time together?
Specific Can we pick one night a week where we're fully present and not distracted with our phones?

Not specific: I need you to show me you care while you're away.
Specific: Can you text me or call me before you go to bed so we can catch up about our day? That would help me feel close to you.

Not specific: I need you to listen to me
Specific: Can we have a conversation together where we're not distracted so I can just get my thoughts and feelings out? That lets me feel heard.

2. Have I told them what I *want* or what I don't want?
Many of us get in the habit of voicing issues we have with our partner or things we don't want. To get our needs met, we have to clearly state what we do want.

Instead of: "You're always so distracted on your phone"
Try: "Can we pick a one hour time period where we spend it together without our phones?

Instead of: "You never compliment me anymore"
Try: "I would love for you to tell me that you still find me attractive or sexy"

Instead of: "You're late for everything!"
Try: "I understand you get held up at work, how can we find a way for you to be more on time?"

Instead of: "Your family is always involved in everything we do and it bothers me"
Try: "Can we create some boundaries with our families that feel good for both of us?

This can feel awkward, but with practice it gets easier and you'll feel much more connected with your partner.
Remember, no partner will be able to meet all of our emotional needs. The work is to be honest, open, and curious in the process.

What question do you have about needs within relationships?
I'll be in the comments answering your questions.

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