Rattibha

Have you been put in a middle of a conflict that didn't involve you? This is a common manipulation called triangulation.
Here's how to protect your peace:

Triangulation is when someone brings another person into a conflict or gossip that doesn't involve them.

People triangulate to:
- gain sympathy from others
- confirm their view is "right"
- to paint someone in a specific light
- to elevate their own sense of self
- protect their ego

Examples of triangulation:
- telling a child all about how awful the other parent is
- talking negatively to one child about their sibling ("Tom makes horrible decisions")
- asking a friend to get in the middle of a conflict with a partner

- a parent asks a sibling to talk to another sibling to get them to do something ("tell Becky she needs to call me more")
- telling a partner what a close friend said about them ("well Ashley says you're selfish!")

- airing out issues with someone on a social media post telling one part of the story
- a sibling comes to you about an issue with your parents ("you need to get dad to do x")

In triangulation, a person is using a third party to communicate to someone else. It's a form of passive aggressive communication that is quite common in many homes.

Because it's so common, many people don't know they're being triangulated. They may consider this type of communication normal, and not see they're being used for someone else's gain.

People who triangulate tend to:
- have binary thinking patterns (black and white) thinking patterns. They struggle to see people's humanity or nuance in people.
- easily fall into "all bad" or "all good" thinking and side taking.
- have issues with control

- lack the ability to directly communicate their issues with the person and seek validation from others
- struggle to trust their own self perception (need perceptions of others)
- thrive off of: conflict, chaos, and interpersonal issues between people

If you recognize someone is triangulating you, it's time to set boundaries. People who triangulate lack boundaries and see connection as something that comes through conflict and gossip.

Boundaries around triangulation:
- "I don't want to be involved with that"
- "I don't know the whole story, so I feel uncomfortable sharing my opinion"
- "I don't think I'm able to help with this, it's really not my place."

- "I don't like being put in the middle, and would rather not hear about this anymore."
- "I think having a direct discussion with them would be best, this isn't something I can navigate"

Remember, peace is the product of clear boundaries.
While many people are addicted to conflict and the false sense of power it gives us, we can always choose to not take part of it. And to prioritize our emotional wellness.

Have you experienced triangulation? Let's talk about how you cope with it in the comments.

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